Sunday, October 5, 2008

The bigger the animal you kill, the better your chances of getting elected

When supporters of Governor Sarah Palin talk about the things they find so refreshing about her, moose hunter is at the top of their lists.  They're charmed that here is a woman who doesn't merely kill run-of-the-mill animals like deer, but exotic animals like moose and wolves.  What a breath of fresh air!  My imaginary interview with a Republican pollster helped me better understand her appeal.

RFFM:  Sarah Palin's numbers might be tailing off now, but when she was first introduced to the country, people were really taken with the idea of a moose hunter from Alaska.  We all saw the photo of her standing over the moose she just killed.
POLLSTER:  Well, if there'd been a picture of her posing over a more commonplace animal carcass it wouldn't have been that big of a deal.  I've found the bounce in the polls is directly proportional to the kind of animal you kill.  If she'd shot a little rodent, you wouldn't have seen much of a bounce at all.  It actually might have harmed the McCain/Palin ticket.  Deer -- that's good for a couple points a best, since deer hunting is very common and Americans are thirsting for a change this election.  Birds are harder to asses.  They're smaller, true, but oftentimes it takes more skill to bring one down.  But big mammals like wolf and caribou means you get a big bounce in the polls.
RFFM:  But there must be some people out there turned off by the idea of someone killing a moose for sport.
POLLSTER:  Oh, you're talking about the jealousy factor -- people who, through no fault of their own, never get a chance to bring down a moose or wolf.  It's true, Americans are egalitarians.  We like an even playing field.  Most of us never get a chance to kill an exotic animal like a moose.  And on top of that, she gets to kill wolves from an airplane, whereas most of us have to do our killing from the ground.  But what you have to realize is Americans are a very forgiving people.  We accept that not everybody has the same opportunities and we don't hold her good fortune against her.
RFFM:  I meant some people would be turned off that someone would derive pleasure from inflicting horrible pain to an innocent animal, any innocent animal.
POLLSTER:  Sorry, I'm not following.
RFFM:  Why kill the moose?  Why kill the wolves?
POLLSTER:  Why do you think God put them on earth?  It's all written down in the Bible.  It's also in the second amendment, which God handed down to Moses while he was out shooting desert fox.