Is this thing on? How you all doing tonight? Got a nice, juicy bacon cheeseburger? Good. I'm the guy responsible for the bacon part of it. So the other day, one of those animal rights activists asked me if I saw the undercover videos of what goes on in our factory farms, you know, the ones where the hogs keep getting shoved alive into boiling water. Yeah, I told her, I saw those videos. I see 'em every day after work. The entire staff gets together with a bowl of popcorn. Hormel's funniest hog videos. Beats the heck out of a water skiing squirrel, that's for sure. Ha ha ha! Thank you! So, anyway, the activist starts yapping about how cruel it is to confine a hog in a crate so small he can't even turn around. What are you talking about, sister, I says to her, if the hog had space to turn around he'd see the other hogs getting their throats sliced open and that would traumatize the poor hog. We're very sensitive people at Hormel. We don't to upset the poor little hog before we slaughter it! Thank you, you guys are great! Anyway, then this activist starts talking some more about the hog getting dumped in boiling water while it's still alive. I says, that again? You sure like to beat a dead hog, i mean horse. H But seriously. All this fuss about a few hogs. The activist tells me hogs feel pain and they're smart too. She's right, hogs are smart. It's the hog loving people who are stupid. We tell these people we adhere to animal welfare guidelines. But who sets those guidelines? The Pork Council. That's us, numbnuts. We're the ones who dip them in boiling water and you trust us to set our own animal welfare guidelines? You're right, compared to people, these hogs are a bunch of Einsteins. Thank you! Thank you very much. I'll be appearing live -- which is more than I can say for the hogs, ha ha ha -- I'll be appearing live at Taco Bell next week. Thank you, I love you!
Two New Essays on Open Democracy
1 month ago