The chipmunk's digging little holes so kill it

My friend who lives in Michigan told me her neighbor Dave asked if her her cat could come over and kill a chipmunk that's been bugging him.  Bugging him?  Bugging him how?  Cursing at him?  Calling him names?  Telling lame jokes?  Playing its music late and loud the way Dave does?  No, apparently this chipmunk's been "digging holes."  And these holes are "eyesores."  So a guy who keeps a rusted lawn mower in his back yard and leaves his garbage cans on the street most of the week so the trash blows out and gets snagged by his neighbors' shrubs says a little chipmunk hole is an eyesore.  And he wants that chipmunk killed because of it.  He's an avid deer hunter so he'd probably do it himself if it weren't beneath him to kill anything he can't mount on his wall.  But what's the big surprise here anyway?  We're people, they're just animals -- ours to consume, test products on, kill for sport and kill because they "bug us."

Sarah Palin, yeti hunter

There was an article today about a team of Japanese adventurers who took photos of what they claim are the footprints of a yeti.  Here's the perfect opportunity for Sarah Palin to re-claim her hold over the country.  An American politician's popularity is directly proportional to the size of animal they shoot.  So why claim she's a mere moose hunter?  It's time for the McCain campaign to start circulating photos of Sarah Palin posing in front of the bloody carcass of a yeti.  Americans would swoon.  And if they really want to re-ignite the campaign, they can embellish the story even more.  After Sarah Palin brought down the yeti with a single shot, her husband, Todd, strapped the carcass to the hood of his snowmobile and they sped across hundreds of miles of Alaskan wilderness, stopping periodically to drill for oil and make sure no Russian planes were crossing into American air space, and still made it back home to Wasilla in time to ban a few books from the library and cook up a big family dinner.  How could America possibly keep someone like that out of the White House?

Wolves deprive hunters of pleasure of killing caribou

Why does Sarah Palin enthusiastically support the shooting of wolves from airplanes?  Because wolves kill moose and caribou to survive.  Which deprives people like Sarah Palin of the pleasure of killing them for sport.

The bigger the animal you kill, the better your chances of getting elected

When supporters of Governor Sarah Palin talk about the things they find so refreshing about her, moose hunter is at the top of their lists.  They're charmed that here is a woman who doesn't merely kill run-of-the-mill animals like deer, but exotic animals like moose and wolves.  What a breath of fresh air!  My imaginary interview with a Republican pollster helped me better understand her appeal.

RFFM:  Sarah Palin's numbers might be tailing off now, but when she was first introduced to the country, people were really taken with the idea of a moose hunter from Alaska.  We all saw the photo of her standing over the moose she just killed.

POLLSTER:  Well, if there'd been a picture of her posing over a more commonplace animal carcass it wouldn't have been that big of a deal.  I've found the bounce in the polls is directly proportional to the kind of animal you kill.  If she'd shot a little rodent, you wouldn't have seen much of a bounce at all.  It actually might have harmed the McCain/Palin ticket.  Deer -- that's good for a couple points a best, since deer hunting is very common and Americans are thirsting for a change this election.  Birds are harder to asses.  They're smaller, true, but oftentimes it takes more skill to bring one down.  But big mammals like wolf and caribou means you get a big bounce in the polls.

RFFM:  But there must be some people out there turned off by the idea of someone killing a moose for sport.

POLLSTER:  Oh, you're talking about the jealousy factor -- people who, through no fault of their own, never get a chance to bring down a moose or wolf.  It's true, Americans are egalitarians.  We like an even playing field.  Most of us never get a chance to kill an exotic animal like a moose.  And on top of that, she gets to kill wolves from an airplane, whereas most of us have to do our killing from the ground.  But what you have to realize is Americans are a very forgiving people.  We accept that not everybody has the same opportunities and we don't hold her good fortune against her.

RFFM:  I meant some people would be turned off that someone would derive pleasure from inflicting horrible pain to an innocent animal, any innocent animal.

POLLSTER:  Sorry, I'm not following.

RFFM:  Why kill the moose?  Why kill the wolves?

POLLSTER:  Why do you think God put them on earth?  It's all written down in the Bible.  It's also in the second amendment, which God handed down to Moses while he was out shooting desert fox.