“The Animal Welfare-Approved standards are the most rigorous and progressive animal welfare requirements in the nation … that benefit farmers, consumers and animals alike.”
Five recipes from an organization
that exists to reduce animal suffering. Must be plenty of delicious meals
that don’t require slaughtering them and carving up their carcass. Let’s see…Gourmet
mushroom onion burger. Sausage Dip. Crab and goat cheese
pizza. Roast chicken.
Maybe that's how they protect the
welfare of the animals – by offering different recipes requiring the flesh of a
different species. They protect the welfare of cattle by offering a sausage
recipe, which reduces the number of cattle slaughtered by increasing the number
of pigs slaughtered. They protect the welfare of pigs by offering the roast
chicken recipe which reduces the number of pigs slaughtered by increasing the
number of chicken slaughtered. And so
on.
But these recipes do seem kind of
incomplete. As protectors of animal welfare, they shouldn’t leave out so many steps. Let’s put back what they left
out.
Directions for Animal Welfare-Approved,
Reduced-Suffering gourmet mushroom onion burgers
Ingredients:
One living, breathing steer.
One stun bolt.
One friendly animal-welfare approved
farmer.
One animal welfare-approved stun bolt.
Directions:
*Place steer in holding pen (pat on head
and coo at him to ease his terror)
*Shatter his skull with bolt from stun
bolt gun (kindly, now, kindly)
*Hang cattle upside down (very gently) and
place on processing line.
*Sever carotid artery with knife. (Be sure
to slice with heartfelt compassion)
*Remove hide with down puller (Again, be
gentle, he might still be clinging to life)
*Chill carcass then cut into pieces
*Combine all ingredients and form into
patties
*Pour glasses of cab for everyone and
toast your compassion as you enjoy your animal-welfare approved, reduced-suffering Gourmet mushroom onion burgers.
