So let's see how the casting sessions are going...
A cow is led into casting room by assistant casting director.
CASTING DIRECTOR: Okay, it's the Happy Cow auditions and you're auditioning for the part of Sally. You'll be frolicking in sunlit fields while the voice-over tells people great cheese comes from happy cows. See, in our focus group testing, "great cheese comes from miserable, abused cows in dark cramped cages" didn't go over so well. So happy cows it is. Okay, here's a little backstory on your character. In order to produce milk, you have to lactate and the California Milk Board can't wait around for that top happen naturally so the dairy farmer hoists you up on a rape rack and artificially inseminates you. Suppose you give birth to a male. Just as you joyfully start cleaning it, the dairy farmer yanks it away from you to sell it to the veal producer and it's back to the rape rack for you. Okay, ready for your audition, I want to see happy now ... and ACTION! No, that look of misery is all wrong. We're looking for happy here! You're called the happy cows, not the despondent cows. Not the cows of blackest despair! Come on, work with me here. Let's try another take. You're back on the rape rack. This time you give birth to a female. She's not going to a veal crate, so you can turn that frown upside-down and be happy. The two of you will get to spend some good quality mother/daughter time together when she's old enough to join you on the rape rack. Okay, show me happy! And ACTION! You call that happy?! I've seen happier looks on a pig about to be skinned alive. Thank you, we'll get back to you. If we need you, we know where to find you, or at least what's left of you after you get a quick stun bolt to the brain, heh heh heh. Look at the bright side, you may not get to be a happy cow, but at least your skin will be worn by the pretentious director with a fake British accent who films the happy cow commercials. So you're still in show biz. Okay, next....
More Happy Cows here.
