Sunday, November 2, 2008

Dialogue between HSUS and Tyson Foods about Prop 2

The first line of the Humane Society mission statement:  "Celebrating animals, confronting cruelty."

So how exactly did that confrontation against cruelty go?

HSUS:  Killing animals for human pleasure is cruel!
TYSON CHICKEN, ET AL:  And your point is?
HSUS:  Come on, throw us a bone here.
TYSON:  A wishbone or a drumstick?  Hee hee hee.
HSUS:  Hee hee hee
TYSON:  Are we bonding?
HSUS:  We're bonding.
TYSON:  So...
HSUS:  Look, we celebrate animals and confront cruelty.  That's the very first sentence in our mission statement.
TYSON:  It also says in your mission statement that you join with corporations on behalf of corporation-friendly programs.
HSUS:  No, the actual wording is we join with corporations on behalf of animal-friendly programs.
TYSON:  Stop splitting hairs.
HSUS:  Sorry.
TYSON:  I've got an idea.  How about if instead of confronting cruelty, you appear to confront cruelty?
HSUS:  Not bad.  As long as it appears that way to our donors.
TYSON:  Hee hee hee
HSUS:  Hee hee hee.
TYSON:  Okay, tell people you want a little more space for the chickens to move around in.  We could work with that.  We've been doing the same thing ourselves.  You should see our website.  We go on and on about humane treatment blah blah blah.  People eat it up.  It makes them feel less savage.  Great for sales.
HSUS:  We could put a proposition on the ballot!
TYSON:  There you go.  Win win.
HSUS:  Win win.
TYSON:  High five!