You in all your boundless wisdom did create the turkey, Oh Lord, but they were living turkeys, running freely upon the earth, when surely, Oh Lord, you intended them to be dead and their corpses to be resting upon our tables. But worry not, Oh Lord, for we, with wisdom greater than your own, for which we do heartily give thanks, have rectified your error. We have slaughtered your creation the turkey for you and not only have we slaughtered them, Oh Lord, 46 million of them for this blessed day alone, but to provide ourselves with a greater bounty of flesh, we have pumped them full of hormones, which you also overlooked, Oh Lord, but rather than slander your name, we do confer upon you all our forgiveness. On this blessed day, we have gathered together, young and old, from all parts of the country, to give thanks to you, Oh Lord, who, in all your wisdom, created us and there can be no greater glorification of you, Oh Lord, than the miraculous creation of us. We give you our thanks and we pray to you that you do, in your infinite mercy, forgive yourself, for though you did mistakenly create a living turkey instead of the dead one whose corpse now steams upon our table, you rectified your error by creating people with the wisdom to fatten and slaughter these turkeys, and also the wisdom to ignore their suffering and their inexplicable desire to live, and because of this creation of us your reputation will always be great, Oh Lord, rivaling even ours. Thanksgiving, this time of year when we are warmed by human virtues and we glorify the human race ... well, not the entire human race, most of them do sin greviously, no, we glorify that portion of the human race which does reside within the borders of the United States and who do celebrate this blessed Thanksgiving. We sing of your virtue, Oh Lord, for creating us and we sing of our virtue for acknowledging your greatness in creating us. So as we slice and consume the flesh of your creation, which you mistakenly created living instead of dead, and for that we do heartily forgive you, we once again give thanks. Amen.
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