Monday, November 17, 2008

VP, marketing considers making his products cruelty-free

VP MARKETING:  We're losing sales to products that claim they're cruelty-free so I was thinking, what if we put cruelty-free labels on our products...

VP LEGAL:  Cruelty-free means we don't test on animals.  But we do.

VP MARKETING:  We force feed them toxins.  That's not testing on animals.  It's testing in animals.  You see what I'm saying?

VP LEGAL:  I'm not sure that distinction would stand up in court.  Besides, we do test some of our products on animals.  We douse rabbits with our shampoos until their skin melts off.

VP MARKETING:  Good point.  I forgot.  Wait.  I got it.  Our products are cruelty-free.  Not as in free from cruelty.  But as in we don't charge for that cruelty.  Our cruelty is free.  You see where I'm going with this?  We tell people, those other guys, when they do unspeakably cruel things to animals, they pass the cost along to you, the customer.  But not us.  All the unspeakably cruel things we do to animals costs you absolutely nothing!  Because we value our loyal customers.

VP LEGAL:  I'm not sure we want to advertise the fact that we do unspeakably cruel things to animals.

VP MARKETING:  Here me out.  Maybe we do.  Maybe the forthright, direct approach is the way to go here.  People love getting value.  We tell them, you know how much it costs us to set up a lab, hire enough sadistic technicians, design all those unnecessary experiments, pay for the animals to test on, pay for having their carcasses hauled out afterwards, pay for the PR agency to come up with all those lies whenever there's a protest against us.  It aint cheap.  But though you, our valued customers, reap the benefits of all this unspeakably cruel animal testing, you don't pay a dime for it.  No, our cruelty is absolutely FREE.  What do you think?

VP LEGAL:  It could work.  Mention it at the meeting this afternoon.  Throw it against the wall and see what sticks.

VP MARKETING:  Wait, isn't that one of our animal tests?  Heh heh heh!

VP LEGAL:  Heh heh heh!