Meet Kristen, the newest California Happy Cow

America viewed the casting videos and selected Kristen as the newest Happy Cow in the California Milk Board advertising campaign. We're told we can follow Kristen's experiences as a Happy Cow at RealCaliforniaMilk.com. Really? The milk board really wants its milk drinkers to follow the life of a dairy cow? In the first commercial, we'll see the farmer remove Kristen's calf when he's only a day old and ship him off to become veal. Kristen will be so traumatized the farmer will have a difficult time strapping her into the milking machine. In the next commercial, he'll shoot Kristen full of hormones to increase her milk output. She'll be forced to produce ten times the amount of milk she normally would. When her milk productions lapses, the farmer will artificially inseminate her, remove her calf and repeat the process. We won't be able to follow Kristen much longer at RealCaliforniaMilk.com. Her life span would normally be around twenty five years, but her milk output will decrease to unacceptable levels after four, so in the final video of Kristen's brief existence, we'll see the farmer apply the stun bolt gun to her head then the commercial will fade to black. It will be time for Real California Milk to audition for a new Happy Cow to replace Kristen. Here's a group shot of all the Happy Cows who produce real California Milk waiting to see who will become the next Happy Cow.

The California Milk Board is casting for new Happy Cows!

So let's see how the casting sessions are going...

A cow is led into casting room by assistant casting director.

CASTING DIRECTOR:  Okay, it's the Happy Cow auditions and you're auditioning for the part of Sally.  You'll be frolicking in sunlit fields while the voice-over tells people great cheese comes from happy cows.  See, in our focus group testing, "great cheese comes from miserable, abused cows in dark cramped cages" didn't go over so well.  So happy cows it is.  Okay, here's a little backstory on your character.  In order to produce milk, you have to lactate and the California Milk Board can't wait around for that top happen naturally so the dairy farmer hoists you up on  a rape rack and artificially inseminates you.  Suppose you give birth to a male.  Just as you joyfully start cleaning it, the dairy farmer yanks it away from you to sell it to the veal producer and it's back to the rape rack for you.  Okay, ready for your audition, I want to see happy now ... and ACTION!  No, that look of misery is all wrong.  We're looking for happy here! You're called the happy cows, not the despondent cows.  Not the cows of blackest despair!  Come on, work with me here.  Let's try another take.  You're back on the rape rack.  This time you give birth to a female.  She's not going to a veal crate, so you can turn that frown upside-down and be happy.  The two of you will get to spend some good quality mother/daughter time together when she's old enough to join you on the rape rack.  Okay, show me happy!  And ACTION!  You call that happy?!  I've seen happier looks on a pig about to be skinned alive.  Thank you, we'll get back to you.  If we need you, we know where to find you, or at least what's left of you after you get a quick stun bolt to the brain, heh heh heh.  Look at the bright side, you may not get to be a happy cow, but at least your skin will be worn by the pretentious director with a fake British accent who films the happy cow commercials.  So you're still in show biz.  Okay, next....

More Happy Cows here.

The duck explains to the happy cows that every animal is unique

"No, silly, we ducks are too small to get shackled and hoisted upside-down before our necks are slit like you cows.  Let me explain how it works.  First off, we're stunned electrically.  After our throats are cut and we're bled, we're scalded to facilitate removal of our large feathers.  To remove our pinfeathers, we're dipped in paraffin wax.  Down and feathers, which humans consider a very valuable by-product of the duck and goose industry, are sorted at another facility.  Does all that make sense?  Wow, it's such a nice day.  Do you think the photographer's getting the poses he wants from us?"

Some more happy cows here.

Happy California cows

"Is the photographer coming with us to the slaughterhouse after this?"

"Nah, those photos wouldn't sell as many glasses of milk."