Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Promoting animal welfare by stapling green numbers in their ears

You are one lucky steer is all I can say, number six.  You were born on an animal welfare-approved farm.  That means you get to romp around in green fields under blue skies until your number is called, which, don't worry, won't be for a while yet since Number One's just getting locked into the head clamp now.  If you'd been born on one of those inhumane factory farms that care nothing about the well-being of animals  ... excuse me, Number Two!  It's your turn, Number Two!  Hey, no worries, Number Six, but you might want to start romping around soon because it looks like this Animal Welfare-approved farmer likes to work quickly.

You know, you should be proud of yourself, Number Six.  You're making so many people feel so much better about themselves.  You see, a lot of people are appalled at the conditions of the factory farms.  Not appalled enough to stop eating animals like yourself, mind you, but appalled just enough to be willing to pay a little extra for the flesh of animals that got a chance to romp around in green fields under blue skies before they were slaughtered.  Excuse me.  Number Three!  It's your turn, Number Three!

I only wish you got a chance to meet the compassionate people who will be eating you, Number Six.  They're really going to enjoy it and not just because they crave the taste of your tender flesh.  They'll be able to eat you with a clean conscience.  You don't know anything about consciences because you're just an animal.  A conscience is what helps us humans do things that are morally just, like slaughter and consume other living beings ... oops, that's not what I meant to say, I must have gotten distracted by the wailing of Number Three.  It seems the friendly Animal Welfare-approved farmer didn't slaughter Number Three properly the first time and he's in an awful lot of pain right now.  Hopefully he can hearken back to his memories of romping around in green fields under blue skies and it will distract him from his pain.

Number Four!  Number Five!  It's your turn.  Hey, what's up, Number Six, you're shaking, you look so frightened.  Please don't wast this time when you should out romping around, your turn's getting closer.  Ah, I see.  I know why you're not romping around in green fields under blue skies.  It's because you're actually stuck in a cage.  I can explain.  When we talk about romping around in green fields under blue skies, it's more of a symbolic thing.  It's our intention that counts and our intention is to get people who buy Animal Welfare-approved products to think you get to romp around.  You're a realist, Number Six, I can see that you are.  You understand that people who like thinking they care about your welfare have a lot of disposable income.  Well, enough said about that, eh?

Well, Number Six, it's almost time.  I know you'd thank us if you could for bringing you up here rather than in one of those inhumane factory farms.  Come here, let me give you a pat on the head before you go.  That's something they'd never do at one of those impersonal factory farms.  They'd send you straight to the slaughter without giving you a friendly pat on the head.  That really gets me so worked up.  What kind of inhumane people would slaughter a fellow living being without giving it a friendly pat on the head first?  Oh, the world we live in!  Well, Number Six, looks like the friendly animal welfare-approved farmer is calling you.