Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dr. Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane products

Temple Grandin has joined with Niman Ranch to introduce "Dr. Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane" products.  She gave National Provisioner magazine the exclusive.  National Provisioner is the bible of meat production that recently wrote an editorial about the threat posed to the animal agriculture industry by those terrifying people who care about animal suffering.  If National Provisioner thought Temple Grandin sided with people like this, they'd excommunicate her.  So Temple Grandin reassures them:
The thing I'm most concerned with is letting pigs wreck the land.  Pigs will just destroy pasture.
In other words, "Please, oh please, don't group me in with those nutjobs who care about animal suffering.  YOu want proof of my indifference?  Here's a copy of the check McDonald's cut me for consulting services rendered.  Heck, there's a photo of me on the McDonald's website.  Would they put a photo of a rabble rousing activist who cared about animal pain and suffering on their website?  I think not.  I sincerely hope the readers of National Provisioner won't question my motives.  Please believe me when I say animals are simply a means of making money.  YOur readers do it more directly by brutalizing them, slaughtering them and selling slabs of their flesh.  People like me and Whole Foods and Farm Forward and the Animal Welfare Institute, we've got a more roundabout approach.  We're making money off people who want to think they care about the suffering of farm animals and are willing to pay a little extra for a clean conscience.  Guys, please understand, there's a gold mine here and I'm the perfect person to mine it.  I write books with titles like Animal Happiness, so people think I care about the pain and suffering of animals.  I do care, in the sense that appearing to want to reduce that suffering is a highly profitable gig.  I know it's not profitable on the scale your readers are used to, and I bow down before them, but it's a growing market.  It'll only get bigger."

Readers of National Provisioner are still suspicious.  They still wonder if secretly, in her heart of hearts, she really does want to reduce animal suffering.  So Temple Grandin reassures them once again...
Some people who are purely welfare-minded want no [nose] rings at all  -- but the pigs wreck the ground.
There.  She wants to keep the nose rings on the pigs to make sure rooting is so excruciatingly painful that they won't do it.  Okay, that cinches it.  Even the most hardened cynics at National Provisioner are convinced.  They've got nothing to worry about from Temple Grandin. She's one of them.  "Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane" really means sustainable cash flow thanks to plenty of certified checks.  Make sure to send her VIP passes to the Pork Expo and the K-state Swine Profitability Conference.  She's earned them.