BUZZ: Welcome to the Big Greasy BBQ forum, anmlwfre, what's your nic stand for, animal warfare?
ANMLWFRE: Animal Wel-fare. I'm from Farm Forward. It's our mission to improve the lives of farm animals.
BELLYBOY: The topic today is big juicy sizzling kielbasa. Don't you love how the juice drips down your chin? Come on, you can admit it, anmlwfre, you're among friends here.
ANMLWFRE: Okay, yes, I do love a big juicy kielbasa, provided the pig it came from had ample space to turn around in before it was slaughtered, mind you.
BUZZ: Wink. Wink.
ANMLWFRE: No, I'm serious.
BELLYBOY: You're a funny dude, anmlwfre
UNCLEMIKEY: So you say you believe animals should be treated well. But you slaughter 'em. Isn't that kind of like a contradiction?
ANMLWFRE: Not at all. Hold on, I got rib sauce on my fingers, don't want to get it on my keyboard. Okay, I'm back. It's okay as long as you slaughter them humanely.
BELLYBOY: Humane slaughter. That's a good one. Mind if I use that one at my next tailgating party?
ANMLWFRE: It's not a joke. We're entirely serious.
GREASEGUY: Hey, my burger's so juicy it's a good thing I got one of them super absorbent buns.
ANMLWFRE: YOu're making my mouth water. I mean provided the steer the burger came from had plenty of grass to graze on before it was slaughtered.
BUZZ: You crack me up.
ANMLWFRE: I'm serious, guys. We at Farm Forward believe factory farming is one of the most important issues of our time.
BELLYBOY: Look, anmlwfre, you're our kind of people. You like big hunks of juicy meat just like we do.
ANMLWFRE: Well, I must say, I feel a kinship too.
GREASEGUY: Yeah, at first I thought you were one of those freaks who don't eat meat but you're pretty cool.
ANMLWFRE: Are you kidding! By being so rigid about not eating meat and dairy, those people are setting the animal rights movement back a hundred years. It really annoys the CEO's of the big fast food places when they hear someone refuses to eat their products. I ought to know, at farm forward we consult for them all the time.
CHOWHOUND: Hey, anmlwfre, I once scarfed down eight kielbasas in one sitting.
CHOWHOUND: How about you?
ANMLWFRE: The other night at a benefit, they served some delectable lamb medallions. My wife had to attend an art gallery opening, so I helped myself to hers.
BELLYBOY: Pretty cool. So where did you say you're from again?
ANMLWFRE: Farm Forward. Don't mean to boast but Jonathan Safron Foer is on our board of directors.
CHOWHOUND: Who's that?
ANMLWFRE: He's only one of the most accomplished writers of his generation. He's going to do a reading from his latest book this weekend.
BELLYBOY: Cool. He writes books on barbecuing?
BUZZ: He going to read a passage about how much he loves juicy ribs, smothered with sauce?
CHOWHOUND: I don't get it, anmlwfre, how does having this rib cookbook writer guy on your board help animals?
ANMLWFRE: He's not a rib cookbook writer. I told you. He writes literary fiction.
UNCLEMIKEY; He must be real creative. He the one who came up with humane slaughter?
BUZZ: This consulting with big fast food places sounds like a good gig, anmlwfre. Bet they pay you plenty.
ANMLWFRE: Money's not what's important. We get to communicate our point of view.
CHOWHOUND: About how delectable pork medallions are?
ANMLWFRE: No, our broader point of view. Our mission statement, if you will.
BUZZ: Hey, anmlwfre, I just marinated some chicken breasts and threw 'em on the grill. you'd love 'em.
ANMLWFRE: Sounds tasty. Provided the chickens had access to sunlight before they were slaughtered.
CHOWHOUND: I got five words: pass me the hot sauce.
ANMLWFRE: I got two words: me too.
BUZZ: anmlwfre, I'm glad you joined our Big Greasy BBQ forum.
ANMLWFRE: Thanks for making me feel so welcome.
BELLYBOY: And thanks for giving me that joke about humane slaughter. Don't worry, I'll give you credit. I ain't into stealing other peoples' jokes.
ANMLWFRE: It's not a joke.
CHOWHOUND: This guy cracks me up.
ANMLWFRE: I've got to go attend another fund raiser. I'll be back later. Enjoy your kielbasa, everyone!
BELLYBOY: We will. Provided the pig had plenty of space to turn around in before it was slaughtered. Ha ha ha!