Classic advertising icon Ronald McDonald. Animal welfare advocate, slaughterhouse designer and McDonald's consultant Temple Grandin. If it weren't for the wig and face paint, we'd have a hard time telling them apart. They both both boost McDonald's sales and increase shareholder value. They both pimp McDonald's whenever a microphone's put in front of their face.
McDonald's should be given credit for bringing about improvements in animal welfare in the entire beef industry ... I have been in this business for more than 25 years, and I have never seen such a transformation. -- Temple Grandin
In other words, McDonald's. I'm lovin' it!
Ronald's been getting a little jealous of all the attention Temple Grandin's been getting lately. He's like the aging star quarterback when a hotshot rookie is drafted. All his years of loyalty and hard work and now on the responsible purchasing page of the McDonald's website there's a quotation from Temple Grandin praising McDonald's and even a picture of her inspecting cattle. But there's no picture of Ronald. Hell, they could have found a photo of him hamming it up with Mayor McCheese, scolding the Hamburglars, something. The website refers to Temple Grandin as a "prominent animal behavior expert." Ronald's more than a prominent spokesman. He's been the face of the company for all these years. Now he's being put out to pasture. No, the cattle grazing pun was not a happy accident. Ronald's mind is still razor sharp. But they don't think so, those executives in their fancy suits, driving their fancy cars. Sure, they're all smiles and pats on the back when they see Ronald at one of the commercial film shoots, but behind his back it's Temple Grandin this, Temple Grandin that. Temple Grandin is getting people to think we care about the animals we slaughter. Temple Grandin just praised us in her book on animal kindness. Temple Grandin, Temple Grandin. It's enough to make Ronald sick. He thought getting shit-faced last night with Mayor McCheese would get his mind off things, but it didn't help at all. This morning he woke up with a vicious hangover and Temple Grandin was still out there, going on interviews about her new book, talking about how McDonald's is doing so much for animals. It won't be long before she works her humane slaughter garbage into one of Ronald's all-time favorite songs. "Two humanely treated all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun." Ronald can't take it anymore. He doesn't know what he's going to do but he's going to do something. In the meantime, there's still a few gulps left in that bottle of whiskey lying on the ground.
