Sunday, January 18, 2009

The Animal Welfare Approved spokesman auditions

Burger King has the King.  McDonald's has Ronald and a slew of lesser lights.  Jack-in-the-Box has Jack.  Sure, Animal Welfare Approved has a handsome label, but they deserve a spokesman too.  Like any spokesman selection process, there needs to be auditions.  You don't hand out a coveted role just like that.  First up, Grinning George.

GRINNING GEORGE:  The table is set, the candles lit, the wine poured.  Stories are shared and toasts are made.  Good fellowship fills the air.  And then it happens.  Your conscience spoils the dinner party by reminding you of all the pain and suffering the animal endured before it became the slice of meat on your plate.  My name is Grinning George and I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that way.  Now there's a way to appease your conscience without giving up the taste you crave.  All you need to do is make sure your meat is Animal Welfare Approved.  It's just that simple.  With the unique Animal Welfare Approved system of elaborate rationalizations and twisted self-deluding logic, you'll be able to convince your conscience the former animal whose carcass sits on your plate actually had a happy life, nut just before it was slaughtered, but even while it was being slaughtered.  Sound hard to believe?  Think of it as a beer that tastes great AND is less filling.  Or a cereal bar that's good AND good for you.  Animal Welfare Approved meat is good for your taste buds AND your conscience!

Animal Welfare Approved means the animals were raised and slaughtered on family farms, not big, impersonal factory farms.  And that makes all the difference.  The family farmers are kind and gentle.  They give the animals space to run around in, or at least they claim to when the Animal Welfare Approved representative comes out once a year to audit the farm and share a hearty pork dinner.  Animal Welfare Approved works on even the most stubborn conscience.  Your conscience may tell you "humane slaughter" is a morbid contradiction in terms.  But Animal Welfare Approved says to your conscience, no, you're so wrong, the animal was slaughtered with "a philosophy of respect." 

With Animal Welfare Approved labeling, the days of bad conscience and a heavy heart spoiling an otherwise delightful dinner party are a thing of the past.  So make sure to look for the green and blue Animal Welfare Approved label.  Deluding yourself with preposterous rationalizations isn't just for progressives anymore.  It's for everyone who loves the great taste of meat without the nasty nagging conscience.