Monday, January 5, 2009

The game of SlaughterBull

Looking through the recommended captive bolt stunning techniques for cattle by Dr. Temple Grandin, professor of animal science, designer of livestock handling facilities, expert on animal welfare...
For large bulls and other heavy livestock such as bison, some plants routinely shoot them twice with a captive bolt.  A stunner shot that shoots in the air and does not touch the animal does not count.  If the bolt stunner touches or partially penetrates the animal, it is counted as a missed shot.
Wait, shot that doesn't touch animal doesn't count?  Bolt stunner that touches or partially penetrates animal counts as missed shot?  It sounds like Dr. Grandin is describing a recreational game here.  The game of SlaughterBull.   The auditor or inspector must be her fancy name for ref.  All that's missing is a league commissioner.  What other rules has this Abner Doubleday of animal slaughter drawn up?
To verify that 95% or more are rendered insensible with one shot, the auditor or inspector should check for signs of return to sensibility BEFORE the second shot is done.
A bull's return to sensibility is the equivalent of the 24 second shot clock in basketball.  If the return to sensibility takes place AFTER the second shot, the player immediately loses his turn to his opponent.

What a brilliant idea! Slaughtering bull after bull can quickly become tedious and the workers bored to tears.  SlaughterBull gets their competitive juices flowing, enhancing their on the job experience and improving productivity at the same time!

What are some of the other rules of SlaughterBull?
In plants using a non-penetrating captive bolt, animal welfare should be evaluatd with the American Meat Institute Scoring system .. the plant must be able to stun 95% or more of the cattle correctly with a single shot.  They must be able to attain an acceptable score of 75% of the cattle moved with no electric prod and 3% or less of the cattle vocalizing.  If a head restraint is used, a vocalization score of 5% is acceptable.
The player who scores the highest percentage of vocalization, i.e. expression of physical agony, i.e., death throes, gets an additional ten bonus points.  And, remember, the American Meat Institute Scoring system is used.  We're not going to tolerate a situtation similar to the way the Candian Football league fucked with the NFL rules in our game of SlaughterBull.

Okay, we may as well set down the rules of SlaughterBull.

*Each game consists of two separate players.  The first one to reach fifty points wins.
*At the start of each player's turn, the bull is locked into place with a steel head restraint.  When the player picks up his gun, the clock starts.
*A round consists of each player playing a turn, firing as many shots into the bull's head as possible within a thirty second period.  A player's turn shall continue until that player misses a shot.
*Just like in basketball, two referees shall work every game of SlaughterBull, one to check for shots in the air, the other to examine the bull's cranium to rule on full or partial penetration.  If a shot only partially penetrates the bull's head, it is counted as a missed shot.
*If the referee sees a shot in the air, he will throw his yellow flag and penalize the offending shooter and the opponent is granted a penalty shot.
*Two consecutive shots in the air is grounds for disqualification.
*If the bull does return to sensibility before the second shot is done, player forfeits a point.
*Players are prohibited from distracting opponent during their turn, either by calling out, waving their arms or humorously mimicking vocalizing of dying bull.
*The ref may also penalized players for excessive celebration.
*SlaughterBull shall be played in a round robbin format, with the winners from each pairing playing each other in the next round until there is single grand prize winner.

note:  fans can order undercover videos of the games along with facsimile stun bolts and caps in the colors of their favorite slaughterhouse!