Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Help Wanted ad found in National Hog Farmer Magazine

Immediate opening
*Must be self-starter
*Prior supervisory experience
*Ability to juggle multiple projects
*Must be able to thrust metal spike with force and accuracy
*Must have proven ability to suppress mercy, compassion and empathy
*Minimum of 2-4 years experience as sadist required, with at least one year experience of either psychosocial maladjustment or the pathological need to lash out and inflict pain
*Creative problem solver wth "always say die" attitude
*Must have rotting black soul

Sadly, people misrepresent themselves on their resumes.  The last person who applied for the job claimed to have experience as a sadist, but it was all fabricated.  It turned out he only stood by and watched as his fellow workers slammed piglets to the ground.  Fortunately, we were able to find out the truth before we offered him the position.  Sadism is not something that can be learned in school.  Sure you can pick up some theory.  But we're looking for on-the-job experience.  When a hog decides it would rather live than die and it attempts to wriggle free, the professor of animal husbandry up in his ivory tower won't help.  And, no, leaving your dog out in sub-zero temperatures doesn't count as relevant experience.  That's passive sadism.  We're looking for self-starters, people who inflict pain and suffering without being told.  The ideal candidate is a creative thinker.  He doesn't see the piece of wood on the ground as a discarded fence post.  He sees it as a way of stunning a stubborn hog.  He will possess leadership qualities.  When people start kicking an intransigent hog, he won't merely join in, he'll initiate the violence.  We're looking for a total team player, someone who takes as much pleasure in someone else's stun bolting of a hog as he does his own.

We're especially open to people with experience at the Hormel supplier farm at Bayard, Iowa.  The sadistic behavior of the workers at this farm didn't have to be learned in a company manual.  They figured it out on their own.  That's the kind of self-starter we're looking for.  We are a recognized leader in the slaughter of millions of hogs per month.  We offer an attractive package that includes, medical, dental and a fully staffed PR department to defend your sadistic behavior to an appalled public should an undercover video ever reveal your abuses.  Are you sadistic enough to join our team?  The future is waiting so apply today!