How to keep consuming animal products without giving up your progressive credentials.

All you need is a good rationalization. Here's an example: The world's not ready to give up meat. If I were to stop consuming animal products, I'd implicitly be saying my behavior is morally superior to those who do. That's elitism and there's nothing more repellant to the progressive sensibility than elitism. By continuing to consume animal products like everyone else, I'm declaring my solidarity with the rest of the world and only through solidarity can we affect change.

Here’s another one:  The history of social movements proves change can only come gradually.  If I were to stop consuming animal products all at once, I’d be violating this most basic truth. Justice takes time.  Today, I’ll shake my head solemnly at what the poor creature I’m eating had to endure before it wound up on my fork. Tomorrow I’ll sign petitions giving them a few extra feet of cage space and someday in the hopefully not too distant future I’ll stop eating them.

Gradual change also works better for the animals. Animals are creatures of habit. Sudden change to their routine can upset their equilibrium. To go from the horrific treatment of factory farms to not being slaughtered at all would be too big a shock to the system of these poor creatures. They need a transitional phase, half way between factory farms and freedom, where we continue to slaughter them but do it in a more humane way.  After they’ve grown accustomed to this more humane slaughter, only then will be they be prepared for the next step of emancipation.

Those are just few examples.  So if you’re deeply, passionately concerned about the plight of farm animals, but you don’t want to give up the delicious taste of their flesh, don’t worry, there’s so many rationalizations out there. You’re sure to find one that works for you.

The Progressive Meat Pounder

Meat producers are thrilled to have discovered a lucrative new target group: people who want to ease the suffering of animals without giving up the delicious taste of their flesh. They fear the torture and slaughter of the animals they consume might be incompatible with their progressive self-image, so they’re willing to pay premium prices for the illusion that these animals lived happy, pain-free lives. Meat producers and their retailers have come up with innovative ways of appealing to these prized customers.  The Whole Foods five step Animal Welfare Rating Standards, Animal-Welfare Approved, Certified Humane Raised & Handled, etc. etc.

The meat producers are so intent on appealing to this progressive target group, they’ve apparently even branded their meat-related accessories as “progressive,” e.g. the progressive meat pounder (pictured).

Other progressive kitchen products include…

The progressive matching knife set and rationalization set. “Free range animals live happy lives.”  “It’s a step in the right direction.”  “The slaughter is quick and painless.”  Store these and all your other rationalizations in one spot for quick and easy access.

“World’s Greatest Self-deluding Chef” apron. Ideal for barbequing up those animal welfare approved ribs.

The progressive mixed messaging bowl.  You want to end animal suffering now.  But you’re craving a juicy steak.  Say what?  The mixed messaging bowl is the ideal way to mix these messages to confuse yourself and others so you can crave justice and that juicy steak without relinquishing your progressive credentials.

Check out the entire catalogue of progressive products.  

The Whole Foods grass fed beef disses on the Burger King Whopper.

GRASS FED:  I pity you.  Raised on some factory farm while I was out in grassy fields.

WHOPPER: You’re a piece of charred flesh now, just like me.

GRASS FED:  It’s every grass fed steer’s dream to someday make it to the refrigerated section of Whole Foods with an Animal Welfare-Approved label on the package.  And I did it! I was purchased by compassionate people who turned me into Pepper Steak with pomegranate sauce.  You? You get wrapped in paper and stuck under a heat lamp ‘til you get scarfed down by a carload of hungry frat dudes who couldn’t care less about your pain and suffering.

WHOPPER: We were both killed way before our time.  We’re both going to be eaten.

GRASS FED:  I’ll be savored with a glass of chardonnay.  You’ll be washed down with 32 oz. coke.

WHOPPER:  What I’m saying is...

GRASS FED:  Not interested in what some low life from the 99 cent super value menu has to say.  I’m grass fed, Animal Welfare Approved. I was purchased by a progressive couple who cared deeply about my well being. You should have heard the two of them discussing how good they felt that I got to graze on the grass...

WHOPPER: ..before the farmer dragged you into the slaughterhouse and shattered your skull with a captive bolt.

GRASS FED:  Must you be so crass?

WHOPPER:  The first bolt missed your brain.  You were writhing on the ground before he got the second bolt to work.

GRASS FED:  Thankfully, the compassionate couple who purchased me aren’t around to hear this.  It would spoil the meal they worked so hard to prepare.

WHOPPER: If your progressive Whole Foods shoppers are so concerned about your suffering, why don’t they stop eating meat?

GRASS FED:  You think you're so smart with your brain teasers and unanswerable riddles.  Go to your frat boys, your Walmart deal hunters.  I'm going to be eaten by refined people who want us steer to get slaughtered ethically and compassionately and you don't even have the gratitude to appreciate it.

A simple explanation for the existence of “humane certified” meat

Humane certified meat exists because the people in photo one don’t want to be mistaken for the people in photo two. The people in photo one contribute to public radio, sign petitions for cleaner waterways. They put their Whole Foods meats in reusable shopping bags. The guy in photo two still has his ticket stub from the Slayer concert in his pocket. He chugs beers at tailgate parties. He buys his chicken wings by the 4o lb. box.

The people in photo one read and discuss Michael Pollan books.The guy in photo two thinks Michael Pollan is that actor in "The usual suspects."

The people in photo one are concerned about the suffering of the animals they eat. Not concerned enough to stop eating them. But really really concerned.

The guy in photo two has a tee shirt that says, “I love animals. With ketchup on top.” The people in photo one consider this joke to be in very bad taste. It makes them uncomfortable to think they have the same disregard for the suffering of a fellow creature as the guy in photo two.

How can they demonstrate the difference? They can consume meat approved by the Humane Farming Association and American Welfare Institute. Meat carved from the carcasses of animals treated with kindness and compassion before the stun bolts shatter their skulls. That way the people in photo one can convince themselves that, unlike the savage in photo two, they care deeply about the suffering of the animals they eat.

Our humanely raised beef is more humane than your humanely raised beef.

It all started with people who sought the dual benefit of assuaging their conscience (feeling better about eating flesh from a tortured/slaughtered animal) while at the same time showcasing that refined conscience to others (the vanity boost conferred by the possession of something impressive, similar to driving a luxury automobile). By not only consuming humanely raised meat, but also being willing, even eager, to pay a premium for it, these people of conscience managed to elevate themselves above the uncaring masses who eat meat with complete disregard for the suffering of the animal who provided it.

This dual benefit of an assuaged conscience plus a vanity boost became highly sought after by flesh-eating progressives everywhere. Humanely raised labels and brands proliferated. This posed a problem for the original progressives. They were once again just part of the herd. It was more difficult for others to see and appreciate their refined consciences. So it was only inevitable that they would seek a new way to differentiate/elevate themselves, a way of saying our humanely raised beef is more humane than your humanely raised beef. Soulfood Farm has just what these progressives are looking for. Soulfood Farm turned to the American Welfare Institute to give them a conscience-conferring label that separates them from the other providers of humanely raised animal flesh. From their blog...

To me, the name says it all. It begins with the animals’ welfare, unlike the vague “humanely raised,” that is slowly being eroded…

Now the other “humanely raised” eating progressives are forced to play catch up. Soon they too will seek the more stringent AWI approval and the progressives who want their consciences to stand out will have to find an even more humane form of torture/slaughter and so on and so on, an endless cycle. If these people really want to stand out, wouldn’t it be much easier to just go ahead and splurge on that Lexus?

The steer selfishly tries to prevent the progressives from enjoying his flesh.

434! We know you’re out there somewhere. It’s time to become Animal-welfare approved steak. Don’t you think you’re being just a little selfish hiding in the very grass the animal welfare-approved farmer let you graze on? Think of all the good progressive people out there whose consciences won't permit them to eat meat from factory farms that cruelly abuse animals. They'll only meat carved from the carcass of cattle like you, who get to roam in the open air, graze in the green fields. Do you have any idea how happy you’re going make these people? Do you have any idea how much sweeter the chardonnay that accompanies your flesh will taste when they can reassure themselves you lived a carefree life before the animal welfare-approved farmer humanely applied the stun bolt gun that lovingly shattered your skull? In between bites, they can express righteous indignation about the horrible conditions of factory farms. They can quote each other passages from Michael Pollan essays. They can put bumperstickers on their Priuses demanding bigger cages for farm animals. And you, you want to hide in the grass and cruelly prevent these progressives from enjoying these pleasures? That’s precisely the kind of cruelty the Animal Welfare Institute wants to eliminate.

HuffPo readers don’t like having their animal rights credentials challenged

Sarah Palin said on some caribou-killing reality show, “Unless you’ve never worn leather shoes, sat on a leather sofa, or eaten meat, save your condemnation.”

This really pissed off screenwriter/playright Aaron Sorkin. He wrote an angry essay in the Huffington Post. He said, unlike Sarah Palin, he took no pleasure in the slaughter of animals whose flesh he consumed.

Prof Gary Francione wrote a brilliant rebuttal to Aaron Sorkin.

You object to her killing the caribou because it was unnecessary; she did it because she enjoys it. And why do you eat meat and animal products? That’s a rhetorical question. There’s only one answer: because you enjoy it.

The fact that you pay someone else to do the dirty work is morally irrelevant. I teach criminal law. If you pay someone to kill another human, try telling the judge that the killer actually enjoyed the act of killing but that you just paid for it. The judge will tell you that you’re both guilty of murder. You’re both equally culpable.

Of course Prof. Francione’s post didn’t get printed. People with views like his can’t enter through the front door of the Huffington Post. He gets relegated to the comments section. And the HuffPo progressives didn’t like what he had to say. One wrote...

I am grateful for the animals that bring me comfort and sustenance. I go to great lengths to buy from caring, humane farms where the ranchers show genuine concern for their animals. I pay nearly twice as much, in some cases, to avoid buying from farms whose conditions I don’t approve of.

He pays nearly twice as much. He goes to the grass fed, open range meat section in places like Whole Foods, where none of the meat is injected with hormones, but it’s injected with plenty of clean conscience. The clean conscience is well worth paying nearly twice as much for. The progressive can enjoy the juicy meat while at the same time ridiculing people like Sarah Palin for their barbaric treatment of animals. She’s a savage. A neandretahal. Man, this steak tastes great. But now here comes this law professor, this abolitionist, saying the progressive eater of flesh is no better Sarah Palin, and the clean conscience he paid good money for at Whole Foods is spoiled. Spoiled conscience is way worse than spoiled meat. The professive wants his money back.

What about the gratitude he feels for the animals who bring him comfort and sustenance? He’s got a point there. The gratitude of a progressive gives meaning to any farm animal’s death. If his throat is slit merely to feet the belly of some dirty Walmart heathen, forget it, the steer will struggle like crazy to avoid walking town the Temple-Grandin designed cattle chute. But if his death can bring about the gratitude of a progressive, he can’t get to the stun bolt gun fast enough. The commenter continues...

I refuse to be lumped in with people who send trusting companions out to fight and die, or people who dance around a dead moose so people think they’re a maverick.

He can’t tolerate being in the same group portrait as people like Sarah Palin and the factory farmers. In a way he’s right. He can’t be lumped in with her. She at least acknowledges her disregard of the animal’s interest in living.

Next commeneter says to Prof. Francione…

I’m not sure what you mean by serious animal advocacy but I know from my own personal experience that there are a great many serious animal advocates and organizations out there accomplishing wonderful things, one baby step at a time.

One baby step at a time. You hear this one all the time. You heard it constantly during the HSUS campaign for Prop 2. Baby steps. We insist on bigger cages for laying hens because that’s all the industry will give us. Baby steps. People won’t realistically stop eating meat. We can’t stop the animal from being slaughtered, but we can give him a better life before it happens.

They’re taking the longer view. They’re realists. Very hungry realists. And baby steps permit these "serious animal advocates" to fight for an animal's rights at the same time they’re consuming that animal’s flesh. It’s quite a sleight of hand and they manage to pull it off. They campaign for bigger cages with fire in their eyes and animal flesh in their bellies. And they don’t appreciate someone like Prof. Francione pointing out their hyprocrisy.

Stop Cruelty now. Support Prop 2: two years later

I was biking on San Vicente in Santa Monica and I saw a Jeep with a “Stop Cruelty Now. Support Prop 2” bumper sticker. Prop 2, of course, was on the California ballot two years ago. Official title: Prevention of Farm Animal Cruelty Act. It “prohibits the confining of certain farm animals in a manner that does not allow them to turn around freely, lie down, stand up, and fully extend their limbs.” Because getting your neck slit or having a stun bolt driven through your brain without first having the opportunity to extend your limbs and turn around freely is utter savagery.

Bill passed. Cruelty stopped. The farm animals who keep ending up on dinner menus across California might dispute that last part, but that’s raining on the parade, man. It passed. 63% of the vote. The progressive voters of Californaia did it. The egg and meat industries tried to fight but the compassion of the people prevailed. The chicken cordon bleu tasted more tender than ever election night 2008 as California progressives gathered to savor the victory. The vibe was so good it’s no wonder dude in the Jeep parked on San Vicente doesn’t want to let go. Keep the “Stop cruelty now. Vote prop 2” bumper sticker pasted on his bumper and maybe he’ll convince others out there to stop cruelty. Maybe a hot babe totally into social conscience and all that will see it and…

I go to the Santa Monica open market twice a week. I’ve signed petitions. I’ve brushed my hemp shopping bag against the hemp bags of California progressives. I’ve asked them about Prop 2. I said I thought the first step in “ending cruelty now” was to stop consuming animal products. The progressives told me where I erred. My first mistake was I took the word “now” far too literally. Now was a rallying cry. It’s symbolic. The fight against animal cruelty won’t be won overnight. Didn't I understand how much power the meat industry has? We've got to take baby steps. Prop 2 is a step in the right direction.

“It’s true,” I said, “you can’t eliminate the meat producers, but you, you personally, you could reduce demand for their products by one person if you stopped consuming animal products this very minute. Then you really would be stopping cruelty now.”

It was pretty uncool of me to call the progressives out like that. Like I was implying they weren’t part of the struggle for animal rights just because they eat meat. Like the fact that they enjoy a good juicy burger now and then somehow disqualifies them from caring about the well-being of the steer that provided the flesh for that burger. I’m such an asshole. I’ll be the first to admit it. Okay, I do my best to understand. The progressives want to stop cruelty now. They give the progressive version of the high-five when a small group of farm animals is given a few extra feet of cage space, effective 2015 (it takes that long to re-design cages, apparently). So why won’t these progressives stop consuming animal products? I’ll summarize, clarify, exaggerate, their most common reasons:

Sure, we could give up eating meat, but the thing about that is, I mean the last thing we as animal rights advocates want to project is a holier than thou image. If I went ahead and stopped eating animal flesh before the rest of the world was ready for it, I’d be like saying I’m better than you. That turns people off so fast. They’ll never hear our message.

Well, when I say stop cruelty now, I don’t mean now as is in this very minute. I was thinking more like, let’s see, I’m twenty seven now, say I live to be eighty, I’d say ninety but all this animal flesh I eat’s bound to be taking some years off, so, anyway, when I say stop cruelty now, I mean stop it in fifty three years, when I die, and I won't have to give up the taste i love.

Have you ever been to the restaurants on Montana? You’re like eliminating every option on the menu.

Young, rebellious steer rejects the life of his elders

-- Your father was a beef burrito, his father was a beef burrito.  But it's not good enough for you.

-- Look, I don't want to be slaughtered at one of those impersonal factory farms, eaten by people who care nothing about our well-being.  I want to be eaten by people who treat us with kindness and compassion before they slaughter us.  I want to be an animal welfare-approved piece of steak, purchased by a progressive shopper who cares so deeply about reducing my suffering that she/he is willing to pay a little extra for a taste of my flesh.  You see how I say she/he?  I picked it up from them.  These people are so sensitive to any and all forms of oppression/domination ... ah, you wouldn't understand.  I mean when you're a beef burrito, you'll end up getting eaten by a car full of drunken fraternity guys at two in the morning, guys who couldn't care less about how much you suffered.  Not me.  I'm going to be eaten by sensitive, refined progressives who sip chardonnay in between bites of my flesh.   And believe me, they won't be talking about the hot chicks they want to do, like your drunken frat boys in the drive-thru lane.  Not even close.  The progressive people who consume my flesh will be discussing important things, like saving the planet, reducing their carbon footprints, making sure animals like us are treated humanely.

-- You'll still be dead.

-- yes, but I'll die knowing my flesh will soon give sustenance to people who are fighting to give us a better life.

-- If these people care so much about your suffering, why do they eat you?

-- Everything is so black and white with you.  These progressives are comfortable with ambiguity.  They can believe passionately in reducing our suffering and still eat us.

-- How?

-- How should I know?  I'm only a steer.  I'm not a human progressive.  If I were, I'd know the answer but I'm not.  So fuck off, I don't give a fuck if grandad was a beef burrito or a Whopper or a Big Mac.  I'm going to be an Animal Welfare-Approved piece of steak eaten by a progressive and that's fucking that.

The new cola wars: animal welfare-approved versus Dr. Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane products

The refrigerated section of the local grocery store is getting crowded with all the humanely treated meats out there.  You've got animal welfare-approved.  Certified Humane Raised and Handld.  Free Farm Certified.  And now a new player has entered the mix:  Dr. Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane.  They're all targeting the same customers, so competition is bound to be fierce.  It's only a matter of time before the TV commercials hit the airwaves.

Hey, folks, the other guys like to talk about their humane treatment standards, but at animal welfare-approved, we deliver.  We've just received a new shipment of animal welfare-approved meats and we need to make room, so everything in our refrigerated section must go!  You won't believe the rock bottom prices on pork, steak, chicken, you name it, all compassionately slaughtered with the animal's comfort and well-being in mind.  Folks, your conscience deserves the very best!  Animal welfare-approved is the number one humanely treated meat dealer in the tri-county area.  We've got the most rigorous and progressive animal care standards anywhere and our friendly farmers always treat the animals with tender loving care.   But don't take our word for it.  Listen to what Paul and Janice from Madison, Wisconsin say:  "Dear Animal Welfare-approved, we're very progressive people.  We recycle, we only buy free trade coffee, we read the American Prospect and Counterpunch every day.  We were so appalled at the way animals are treated on those factory farms that last week we had a barbecue fundraiser to raise awareness about the plight of these poor creatures.  (Paul's succulent ribs went over big time!)  We feel such compassion for these animals, but how can we stop buying meat?  I mean what would we serve at the next awareness-raising barbecue?  We didn't know what to do.  Then we heard about your animal welfare-approved meats.  Now we can eat all the meat we want and we never have to feel guilty again."  that's right, folks, at animal-welfare approved, we give you all the flavor with none of the factory farm abuses.  So if you're a progressive who wants to feel like you did the right thing without giving up the great taste of animal flesh, make sure to stock up on animal welfare-approved meats today!

It's dealing days here at Temple Grandin's House of Certified Sustainable & Humane Products!  Check out this beauty -- a thick, tender top sirloin steak made from a peaceful and contented grass grazing steer.  It's juicy, delicious and best of all it was processed with our unique humane slaughtering methods that guarantee a guilt-free eating experience every time.  How much would you expect to pay for this piece of mind?  Twenty dollars?  Eighteen?  Try just $14.99.  You heard me right.  Our competitors over at Animal Welfare-approved claim they've got demanding humane treatment standards.  But at Temple Grandin's House of certified sustainable & humane products, we've consulted for some of the biggest companies on the planet.  Temple Grandin has written best-selling books on animal happiness, and she's the world's number one authority on designing humane slaughterhouses.  No wonder in taste tests across the country, progressive eaters preferred the humane treatment standards of Dr. Temple Grandin Certified Sustainable & Humane products over our competitors three to one.  Why would you eat anything else?

Fresh, ethically slaughtered chicken, aisle three!

The image greeting us on the Good Earth Natural Foods website is three hands supporting a globe.  Black hands and white hands, touching.  This is not your father's racist, oppressive corporation.

You won't find us listed on the New York Stock Exchange, nor are we going to open a store in neighborhoods all over the planet.

Not because those punks at Whole Foods beat them to the punch and became the health food darling of Wall Street and sucked up all the good real estate.  No, it's because Good Earth Natural Foods wants it that way.  They're not about expansion and profits.  Unlike all those companies ruled by greed and cruelty and the unrelenting pursuit of profit, Good Earth Natural Foods lives by higher principles...

We simply want to sell our customers food grown and processed using the radical but ancient concept, care.

Some of that food, e.g. chicken and turkey, is grown and processed using the radical but ancient concept of attaching so little value to another life that you can justify killing it so you can have a tasty meal or make money selling it to others who want a tasty meal.  Stop.  It is SO divisive to point out such tiny inconsistencies.  So much negative energy and Good Earth Natural Foods is all about positive energy.  Anyway they didn't specify what they meant by care.  They didn't say they cared about the lives of non-human animals.  Maybe they meant they cared about cultivating the image of the caring store, which is a very profitable brand positioning, just ask Whole Foods, those bastards, with their ticker symbol (WFM) and stores all over the planet, a planet they don't care about a fraction as much as Good Earth Natural Foods.  Shit.  Here I go projecting my cynical, divisive thoughts onto Good Earth Natural Foods.  Back to their website then...

Often care takes a backseat to the pursuit of the almighty dollar.  We feel that is wrong and shortsighted ... We always endeavor to remember that food contains spirit.

Huh?  What kind of scented candle smoke were you guys inhaling when you came up with that one?  We always endeavor to remember that food contains spirit?  Okay, well endeavor to remember this:  some of that food was a combination of body and spirit until you slaughtered the body part.  But I guess the gentle folks at Good Earth Natural Foods are okay with this.  Using the radical but ancient concept known as hypocrisy, they're able to slaughter animals while at the same time pontificating about "fresh, ethical products" and care never taking a backseat to the almighty dollar.

BTW, there's a help wanted section on their site.  Good Earth Natural Foods is looking for a fish and poultry worker.

to provide customers with fantastic service ... while ensuring that they receive a fresh, ethical product.  Our fish is ethically harvested and not farm raised.

This is kind of a head scratcher.  Maybe they mean it's unethical to kill fish raised for human consumption but kill them in their natural habitat and everything's cool.  And what are we to make of fresh, ethical turkey and chicken products?  I've read a fair amount of ethics.  Maybe I was always distracted just when I got to the part about the perfectibility of the soul through slaughter.  But forget that.  Their audacity wipes away all their sins.  Hormel, Tyson and the other big boys lie about the humane treatment of their animals prior to slaughter, but even with entire PR agencies at their disposal, they never go so far as to claim the act of slaughter itself is an ethical act.  The HOrmel PR people would bow down at the feet of Good Earth Natural Foods.  Teach us, oh masters, our lies are unworthy.  Impart your wisdom to us, your imperfect servants.

The help wanted ad continues...

We do not sell fresh red meat but we do provide organic, hormone-free and anti biotic-free chicken and turkey products.

i.e., we are too ethical to serve red meat.  But chicken and turkeys, screw 'em.  We only got room for so much ethics.  What do you want from us?  Didn't you see our photo on our website of black hands and white hands holding up the globe?  That's multi-culturalism and environmentalism in one fell swoop, pal!  We have recipes for entrees like Zen Stew in our healthy living section.  We even have a wellness center on the premises.  (human wellness, not chicken or turkey wellness)  So don't go talking to us about our little ethical lapses just because we take a short break from boasting about our refined ethics to slaughter a few turkeys and chickens.

It's a very strange ethical system they got going on at Good Earth Natural Foods.  Kill some animals but not others.  Take credit for the ones you don't kill.  The ones you do kill, take credit for not pumping them full of hormones and anti-biotics before you kill them then make the wild claim that this killing somehow results in an "ethical product."

All I can say is you guys at Good Earth Natural Foods are the coolest kind of hypocrites.  Anybody can violate their stated principles.  But not many are brazen enough to claim the violation of those principles is an ethical act in itself.

A mentoring conversation in the marketing department of Whole Foods

-- So people are really falling for this whole humane treatment thing?

-- Four words.  Sales through the roof.

-- How come my personal lies never work this well?  Tell my wife I'm working late, busted.  Tell friends I can't come to their party because I'm out of town, busted.

-- Because your personal lies never benefit anyone but you.  Our humane treatment lie benefits us and our customers.

-- Explain.

-- People like thinking of themselves as morally superior to the people around them.  At Whole Foods, we tend to attract politically progressive customers who think what makes them morally superior is their concern for the planet and the less fortunate, which of course includes animals.  They despise people like the tailgating gluttons at football games, howling and waving their slabs of meat at the camera, because these tailgating gluttons couldn't care less about the suffering of the animals they eat.

-- But aren't the animals the progressives eat brutalized and slaughtered just like the animals eaten by the tailgating gluttons?

-- Exactly.  So the progressives try convincing themselves that unlike those tailgating gluttons, they feel guilty about causing animals to suffer and die.  But for some progressives this sense of guilt alone isn't enough.  They still can't in good conscience feel morally superior to the tailgating gluttons.

-- And that's where humane treatment comes in?

-- Precisely.  Our progressive shoppers can tell themselves they're willing to buy humanely treated free range chicken from Whole Foods for double the price.  Only someone with a highly developed sense of justice and sympathy for the plight of the weak would spend so much more than they had to to make sure the chicken had a happy, carefree pre-slaughter life.  Now these progressives can legitimately despise the tailgating glutton who buys his discount pack of Tyson drumsticks from Von's.  The beautiful thing about this particular type of moral superiority is that it has a dual benefit:  not only does it enable the progressive to look down his nose and make sly and sardonic comments about the tailgating gluttons.  It also eliminates any post-dinner guilt the progressive might have felt when he contemplated the suffering of the animal he just consumed.

-- So when we run our deceptive advertisements...

-- Deceptive?

-- Our blatant lies?

-- That's better.

-- When we run our blatantly lying advertisements about humanely treated chicken, we're not really selling chicken.  We're selling a sense of moral superiority.  We're helping our valued progressive customers to delude themselves into feeling a sense of self-righteousness that overpowers the guilt they might otherwise have felt over the suffering they caused?

-- You'll go far.

Ben & Jerry sneak the word "slaughter" into the AVMA passage on animal well-being

I was down.  I wanted to be uplifted.  So I headed over to the Ben & Jerry's site for talk about peace and goodwill in multi-colored fonts.  I navigated my way to their statement on animal husbandry and, guess what, those sneaky ex-burnouts are pulling a fast one on us.  They got us mesmerized by the lava lamp of their progressive vision so we wouldn't notice what they were really saying.  They start out by quoting an American Veterinary Medical Association statement about humans being responsible for all aspects of animal well-being, including slaughter.  Say what?  Slaughter part of well-being?  Isn't that irony a little much, even for them?

I went to the AVMA site and read the passage:

Ensuring animal welfare is a human responsibility that includes consideration for all aspects of animal well-being, including proper housing, management, nutrition, disease prevention and treatment, responsible care, humane handling and, when necessary, humane euthanasia.

Now here's Ben & Jerry quoting the above passage:

Animal welfare is defined by the American Veterinary Medical Association as the human responsibility that encompasses all aspects of animal well-being, including proper housing, management, nutrition, disease prevention and treatment, responsible care, humane handling, slaughter, and, when necessary, humane euthanasia.

Check the links.  Do you see slaughter in the AVMA passage?  No.  Ben & Jerry added that part about slaughter.  Dudes of peace and goodwill, what were you thinking? Did you think our eyes would be so overflowing with tears of fellowship after we read about your 50 ways to promote peace that we'd overlook your little addition?  Or that we'd miss it because we were chuckling so hard at all your ice cream-themed puns, like the one about licking global warming?  Or maybe you thought after reading all your talk about your progressive values we'd be in such a rush to go outside and do our part, I don't know, maybe by taking support Ben & Jerry's petitions door to door, that we'd turn off our computers before we noticed you added the word slaughter.

Look, nobody's saying the AVMA statement isn't filled with its own kind of hypocrisy.  All their talk about humane treatment is a PR cover for the abuses of the self-proclaimed pig loving people at Hormel, like swine veterinarian Darly Olson.  But they didn't include the word slaughter as one of the components of animal well-being.  You did, Ben & Jerry.

Why?  Maybe it has something to do with Ben & Jerry's 50 ways to promote peace.  Adding the word slaughter to the passage on animal well-being was how they could generate peace and goodwill and overall good vibes with the local Vermont manufacturers of stun bolt guns and other slaughtering equipment. 

Of course, no Ben & Jerry's post would be complete without a few new flavors:

Stun Bolt Berry Blast

Awful Offal and Cream

Slaughtermint Swirl

More Ben & Jerry's here.

What was that Prius doing in the Burger King drive-thru lane last night?

Dude, what about those carbon footprints you're always talking about?  I mean the Prius is great and all and we know you signed two petitions for cleaner waterways at the open market on Saturday, but that Double Whopper you're ordering, come on, you've read the articles.  You know how the head of the nobel-sharing Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change said we can reduce greenhouse emissions by as much as 18% just by eating less meat.  Okay, fine, you're going to pput the double whopper wrappers in the recycling bin instead of the trash.  I guess that makes up for it.  Please drive through.

We love talking about reducing our carbon footprints.  Just not the carbon footprints leading to the meat section of our local Whole Foods.  We shop with canvass shopping bags with cute drawings of earths and catchy recycling slogans on them, but what about the slabs of beef we put in those canvass shopping bags?  If we really and truly care about the environment why not give up meat?  Or if we insist on eating meat, why not stop saying we care about the environment?  Because we like the idea of caring about the future of the planet.  It's cool to have an altruistic mission outside our own selfish pursuits.  Calling ourselves an environmentalist does wonders for our self image.

But that's cynical.  Way too cynical.  A lot of environmentalists really genuinely care about the future of the planet.  But.  There's always this but.  We know eating meat does far more damage to the environment than using non-rechargeable batteries and keeping appliances plugged into their sockets.  So how come we keep eating meat?  How come?  Wait, I can feel a rationalization coming on, here it comes, here it is.  We take lunch breaks from work, right?  So why can't we take a lunch break from our beliefs?  Why can't we take a lunch break from being an environmentalist?  Not a long lunch break.  We'll scarf down our burgers so fast you'll barely notice we're gone.  Then we'll hop back in our Prius and go home where we compost and read with compact flourescent lightbulbs, where we've bookmarked tree hugger and sign every electronic petition that comes our way.  Here, we'll even up the ante.  We'll pee at least five times before we flush.  Five!  But right now we're on our lunch break, so ease up.

Look, seriously, we understand cows and methane gas and all the energy it takes to clear fields for grazing.  We understand all that.  If we stopped eating meat, it would reduce emissions.  But here's the problem.  If we stopped eating meat, we wouldn't get to eat meat and that would suck.  Big time.  Almost finished.  A few more minutes and our lunch break will be over and we'll go back to being an environmentalist.  We'll even make amends for eating this Whopper, okay?  We'll flip off two Hummers on the way home.  Finished.  Lunch break's over.  Let's go find a Hummer and give it a piece of our mind!

Free range chicken: the progressives' version of driving a BMW

"Normally when we fill our advertising with outrageous lies, we have to dress them up to make them believable.  But the beauty of this whole free range, humane treatment thing is our target audience wants to be lied to.  The wilder and more preposterous the lie the better.  We say our chickens have more space to romp around in, they live under sunny blue skies, every day is heaven on earth and, cha ching, our target audience will pay whatever we charge.  My term for our target audience is the "aspirational ethicals."  They consider themselves progressive, concerned about problems beyond their own personal self-interest.  This perceived altruism is a source of moral superiority for the aspirational ethicals and source of profit for us.  So what does our target audience look like?  You'll often see them dressed in earth preservation-themed tee shirts, carrying canvass shopping bags, world music smiles on their faces.  If there's a petition outside the store, they're all over it.  Clean air, clean water, homelessness, literacy -- where do they sign?  So when they hear about how animals are mistreated on factory farms, it disturbs them, not so much because the animal is suffering, though that's part of it, but because they're helping perpetuate that suffering and sensitive ethical people like themselves shouldn't do that.  That's why they're so susceptible to our bogus humane treatment pitch.  Most consumers are cynical.  They've got their defenses up, they're on the lookout for our lies.  But, as I said before, our aspirational ethicals want us to lie to them.  Please, tell me the chicken led a happy life.  I'll pay anything so long as you let me feel like I'm an ethical shopper.   Then when they're in our store, purchasing the free range chickens, not only do they get to feel like an ethical person who cares about the well-being of the animals they eat, other people get to see them acting ethical.  It's the progressive version of driving a BMW.  You'll see them standing outside the refrigerated section, picking up the chicken, saying something like, "I'm so glad this chicken had a happy life," in a voice loud enough for all the surrounding shoppers to hear them and be impressed by their social conscience.  People, the sky's the limit with the aspirational ethicals.  The profit margin on our free range products is through the roof.  To sum up, cha ching!"

California social consciences -- I mean cruelty -- could be cured by Prop 2

The headline of an opinion piece by Bonnie Erbe in US News & World Report says, "California cruelty could be cured by Prop 2." Just like all the "progressive" bloggers I read, she thinks Prop 2 is a great and enlightened thing. "It's one of the most important social issues of our time," she says breathlessly. I think I see her point. When progressives socialize, they eat. When they eat, they talk. When they talk, they showcase their social consciences. But it's hard to showcase your social conscience while eating the flesh of a chicken who spent its brief miserable existence jammed in a tiny cage, its beak cut off with a hot blade, just so you could enjoy a hearty dinner. So what's a good progressive to do? They could swear from that moment forth to give up consuming the flesh of chicken and all other animals. But chicken tastes so darn good. And, besides, how can anyone be expected to punctuate a bon mot or a withering political observation with a bite of tempeh? No. Progressives need their chicken. So they move on to option number two. Make the cages bigger. That's it. Write a proposition and put it on the ballot. We demand bigger cages for the chickens. We demand that they have a few extra feet to move around in before their necks are slit open for our benefit. Now that the righteous indignation of the progressives has been codified in a proposition and the proposition's been put on the ballot, they need a good enemy. How about the malevolent corporations? These greedy money grubbers dare to keep the cages the same size? First Haliburton and now this! The righteous fury of the progressives is turned on full blast. They write op-ed columns. They denounce with fury. They sign petitions. They comment on blogs. The progressives will never rest until the chickens can take three more steps before smacking into the side of the cage during their still-brief, still-horrific life before the slaughter. Bonnie Erbe notes in her article that Prop 2 is passing by a margin of 7 to 1. "It's enough to restore one's faith in humanity," she says. No doubt she made that very same observation to a table full of fellow progressives while enjoying the most fabulous chicken cordon bleu imaginable. And then the progressives all proceeded as one to raise their glasses of merlot in a toast to the animals.