Animal Welfare-Approved July 4th recipes

“The Animal Welfare-Approved standards are the most rigorous and progressive animal welfare requirements in the nation … that benefit farmers, consumers and animals alike.”

 The farmers get to charge a premium. The consumers get to tell themselves they’re concerned about animal suffering without giving up the taste of their flesh. And the animals? They get their skulls shattered and throats slit, which at first glance doesn’t seem like much of a benefit, but maybe that’s just ungrateful quibbling, especially when Animal-welfare approved got into the spirit of the holidays by offering us Fourth of July recipes in their blog.

Five recipes from an organization that exists to reduce animal suffering. Must be plenty of delicious meals that don’t require slaughtering them and carving up their carcass. Let’s see…Gourmet mushroom onion burger. Sausage Dip. Crab and goat cheese pizza. Roast chicken.

Maybe that's how they protect the welfare of the animals – by offering different recipes requiring the flesh of a different species. They protect the welfare of cattle by offering a sausage recipe, which reduces the number of cattle slaughtered by increasing the number of pigs slaughtered. They protect the welfare of pigs by offering the roast chicken recipe which reduces the number of pigs slaughtered by increasing the number of chicken slaughtered.  And so on.

But these recipes do seem kind of incomplete. As protectors of animal welfare, they shouldn’t leave out so many steps.  Let’s put back what they left out.

Directions for Animal Welfare-Approved, Reduced-Suffering gourmet mushroom onion burgers

Ingredients:

One living, breathing steer.

One stun bolt.

One friendly animal-welfare approved farmer.

One animal welfare-approved stun bolt.

Directions:

*Place steer in holding pen (pat on head and coo at him to ease his terror)

*Shatter his skull with bolt from stun bolt gun (kindly, now, kindly)

*Hang cattle upside down (very gently) and place on processing line.

*Sever carotid artery with knife. (Be sure to slice with heartfelt compassion)

*Remove hide with down puller (Again, be gentle, he might still be clinging to life)

*Chill carcass then cut into pieces

*Combine all ingredients and form into patties

*Pour glasses of cab for everyone and toast your compassion as you enjoy your animal-welfare approved, reduced-suffering Gourmet mushroom onion burgers.

Big Ag wants a piece of the grass fed action and Animal Welfare Approved isn’t happy about it.

We’ve seen it a million times in movies. A new dealer moves into an established dealer’s territory and the war is on.

Animal Welfare Approved owns a sweet chunk of the grass fed market. Users are willing to pay good money for the illusion the animals they eat didn’t suffer, and the Animal Welfare Approved label is the highest quality shit, the Kona Gold of humane certification labels.

Animal Welfare Approved does have rival dealers like Certified Humane, but they’ve carved out different territories and learned to co-exist. But now someone else wants a piece of the action. Big Ag.

As the public interest in ethically produced (sic) food continues to flourish … it is perhaps inevitable that food businesses jump on the grassfed bandwagon.

This isn’t some rogue animal welfare advocate. The food industry has big money behind it. Doesn’t mean animal welfare approved is just going to roll over. Drug dealers protect their teritory with guns. Animal Welfare Approved opts for an 18-page Grass fed primer.

While the range of products, labels and brands that make the grassfed claim grows by the day, the sad reality is … some of the so-called grassfed systems out there actually fall well short of our expectations.

In other words, this is our fucking territory, motherfuckers. You come here start pedaling your grass fed shit there’s going to be a fucking war, man. 

Don’t know how this war is going to play out, but it won’t be pretty.

Animal Welfare Approved vs. Certified Humane. The new McDonald’s vs. Burger King.

The humane certification market is exploding.  In co-ops and natural food stores across the country, compassionate carnivores are searching for the tastiest conscience-easing meats. This means big opportunity for humane certification labels but also fierce competition.

So who are the big players best poised to reap the bounty of the compassionate carnivores? An analogy is helpful. Animal Welfare Approved is McDonald’s. Certified Humane is Burger King. There’s also the Global Animal Partnership, though they don’t yet have the cachet of the big boys.  They’re more of a Jack in the Box or Sonic – a regional upstart but not one to take to take lightly.

Certified Humane has come out swinging. “Don’t be fooled by similar sounding programs,” they say on their site.  “Certified Humane is the best way you can help animals.”  Animal Welfare Approved plays it more like McDonald’s -- above the fray.  They don’t deign to acknowledge, and thereby legitimize, the competition.  They stick to more quietly confident statements like, “Continuously ranked as the most stringent of all third party certifiers.”

This calm arrogance must drive Certified Humane nuts.  They want to attack!

They should heed the examples of their compatriots in other highly competitive industries. There’s a long history of commercials slamming the Other Guy. 

They could try a side-by-side compassion test, similar to the Pepsi Challenge.  Stop progressive carnivores in the compassionately killed meat section.  Hide the label.  Ask the progressive to sample the meat and guess which one has more compassionate pre-slaughter standards.

Or they could copy the classic Folger’s coffee commercials.

We’ve secretly replaced this Animal Welfare Approved steak with a Certified Humane steak.  Let’s see if people notice.

Hi, Sir, how’s the steak?

Delicious.  And best of all it was slaughtered with compassion.

Did the steer suffer?

No.  Animal Welfare Approved means animals get to “perform natural and instinctive behaviors.”

Surprise!  You’re really eating a Certified Humane steak.

You’re kidding.

Can you sense that extra pre-slaughter compassion? See, only Certified Humane guarantees that all animals are “kept in conditions that allow for freedom of movement” before they’re shackle hoisted and stun bolted.

I had no idea

So what humane label are you going to buy from now on, Sir?

I’m going to buy Certified Humane!

Proof that humanely raised and slaughtered animals are much better off.

You’re looking at what’s left of four steers.  Three came from a factory farm.  One was fortunate enough to be humanely raised and slaughtered by a compassionate family farmer. As you can see, it was much better off than the other three.  You can’t see?  Then you’re not looking closely enough. Look at the three on the right from the factory farm.  Three living, breathing, sentient beings who craved life as much as any person, now nothing but slabs of flesh scraped off a carcass.  Compare them to the fortunate humanely raised and slaughtered steer on the left.  Now you see the difference, right?  No?  Then you’re just being stubborn.  There’s an enormous difference. Otherwise the Animal Welfare Institute and Humane Farming Association wouldn’t give it their seals of approval.  This is getting frustrating.  Look again.  Okay? Yes?  You finally see one is much better off?  About time. Wait, you think the one who’s better off isn’t the steer, but rather the person who gets to enjoy a juicy burger without pangs of guilt?  Wrong again.  Wrong and so deeply cynical.  Will you please look at the humanely raised and slaughtered steer on the left.  Or is it the right?  Or one of two middle ones?  Now you’re getting me confused.  The point is, the free range, humanely raised and slaughtered steer had it much much better and the proof is right in front of you.  How can you not see it?

The Animal Welfare Approved turkey

I can’t believe they picked me for the header of the Animal Welfare Approved site.  Now I can rest assured when I’m all chopped up and wrapped in cellophane and sitting in the refrigerated section of Whole Foods, there’s going to be an Animal Welfare Approved sticker on the other side of that cellophane.  That means the Animal Welfare Institute sent an inspection team to the farm to make sure turkeys like me have the opportunity to “perform natural and instinctive behaviors” before the humans perform their natural and instinctive behavior and slit our throats. I know, I know, I look so serious in this photo.  You can’t tell I’m bursting with pride.  Most of my fellow turkeys only get to fill human bellies.  But I get to do so much more.  I get to give humans a delicious meal and on top of that I get to make them feel a nice warm glow when they tell themselves my slaughter was pleasurable and painless.  What more could a turkey ask for?

Our humanely raised beef is more humane than your humanely raised beef.

It all started with people who sought the dual benefit of assuaging their conscience (feeling better about eating flesh from a tortured/slaughtered animal) while at the same time showcasing that refined conscience to others (the vanity boost conferred by the possession of something impressive, similar to driving a luxury automobile). By not only consuming humanely raised meat, but also being willing, even eager, to pay a premium for it, these people of conscience managed to elevate themselves above the uncaring masses who eat meat with complete disregard for the suffering of the animal who provided it.

This dual benefit of an assuaged conscience plus a vanity boost became highly sought after by flesh-eating progressives everywhere. Humanely raised labels and brands proliferated. This posed a problem for the original progressives. They were once again just part of the herd. It was more difficult for others to see and appreciate their refined consciences. So it was only inevitable that they would seek a new way to differentiate/elevate themselves, a way of saying our humanely raised beef is more humane than your humanely raised beef. Soulfood Farm has just what these progressives are looking for. Soulfood Farm turned to the American Welfare Institute to give them a conscience-conferring label that separates them from the other providers of humanely raised animal flesh. From their blog...

To me, the name says it all. It begins with the animals’ welfare, unlike the vague “humanely raised,” that is slowly being eroded…

Now the other “humanely raised” eating progressives are forced to play catch up. Soon they too will seek the more stringent AWI approval and the progressives who want their consciences to stand out will have to find an even more humane form of torture/slaughter and so on and so on, an endless cycle. If these people really want to stand out, wouldn’t it be much easier to just go ahead and splurge on that Lexus?

The steer selfishly tries to prevent the progressives from enjoying his flesh.

434! We know you’re out there somewhere. It’s time to become Animal-welfare approved steak. Don’t you think you’re being just a little selfish hiding in the very grass the animal welfare-approved farmer let you graze on? Think of all the good progressive people out there whose consciences won't permit them to eat meat from factory farms that cruelly abuse animals. They'll only meat carved from the carcass of cattle like you, who get to roam in the open air, graze in the green fields. Do you have any idea how happy you’re going make these people? Do you have any idea how much sweeter the chardonnay that accompanies your flesh will taste when they can reassure themselves you lived a carefree life before the animal welfare-approved farmer humanely applied the stun bolt gun that lovingly shattered your skull? In between bites, they can express righteous indignation about the horrible conditions of factory farms. They can quote each other passages from Michael Pollan essays. They can put bumperstickers on their Priuses demanding bigger cages for farm animals. And you, you want to hide in the grass and cruelly prevent these progressives from enjoying these pleasures? That’s precisely the kind of cruelty the Animal Welfare Institute wants to eliminate.

Young, rebellious steer rejects the life of his elders

-- Your father was a beef burrito, his father was a beef burrito.  But it's not good enough for you.

-- Look, I don't want to be slaughtered at one of those impersonal factory farms, eaten by people who care nothing about our well-being.  I want to be eaten by people who treat us with kindness and compassion before they slaughter us.  I want to be an animal welfare-approved piece of steak, purchased by a progressive shopper who cares so deeply about reducing my suffering that she/he is willing to pay a little extra for a taste of my flesh.  You see how I say she/he?  I picked it up from them.  These people are so sensitive to any and all forms of oppression/domination ... ah, you wouldn't understand.  I mean when you're a beef burrito, you'll end up getting eaten by a car full of drunken fraternity guys at two in the morning, guys who couldn't care less about how much you suffered.  Not me.  I'm going to be eaten by sensitive, refined progressives who sip chardonnay in between bites of my flesh.   And believe me, they won't be talking about the hot chicks they want to do, like your drunken frat boys in the drive-thru lane.  Not even close.  The progressive people who consume my flesh will be discussing important things, like saving the planet, reducing their carbon footprints, making sure animals like us are treated humanely.

-- You'll still be dead.

-- yes, but I'll die knowing my flesh will soon give sustenance to people who are fighting to give us a better life.

-- If these people care so much about your suffering, why do they eat you?

-- Everything is so black and white with you.  These progressives are comfortable with ambiguity.  They can believe passionately in reducing our suffering and still eat us.

-- How?

-- How should I know?  I'm only a steer.  I'm not a human progressive.  If I were, I'd know the answer but I'm not.  So fuck off, I don't give a fuck if grandad was a beef burrito or a Whopper or a Big Mac.  I'm going to be an Animal Welfare-Approved piece of steak eaten by a progressive and that's fucking that.

omg, the horrible way these animals are treated made me cry and I got tears all over my animal welfare-approved pork chops

The Animal Welfare Society blog posted the undercover videos of the abuse by that infamous Hormel supplier in Iowa.  The conclusion the blog draws from these videos is not that people should stop creating a demand for the flesh of these animals, but that they should buy their meat from family farms.  The videos horrified the blog's commentors.  Connie says...

omg, if you can watch this video and not break down crying, I do not know what to say.

Sorry for pilfering your verbiage and your brittle feelings, Connie, but if you can watch this video and break down crying and then continue to consume animal products, I don't know what to say.  She continues...

I truly cannot believe this cruelty is allowed to happen.

But it is and you know why?  Because people like you, Connie, cry your crocodile tears and continue to have pork chops for dinner.  If people didn't consume animal products, there would be no farms like the one on the video.

Meanwhile, commentor Leigh Ann thinks the problem is BIG CORPORATIONS, which she emphasizes by setting them in all caps.  BIG CORPORATIONS.  BIG MONEY.  Please support local farmers, she says plaintively, though maybe with a little more restraint than the excitable Connie.  Family farmers raise their animals with compassion.  Over and over we hear this.  I can't see Leigh Ann as she types her comment so I can't say for sure if she manages to type it with a straight face.  Raise them with compassion?  Do people slaughter the objects of their compassion?  Painless death?  Would Connie or Leigh Ann euthanize one of their pets with a stun bolt gun that more often than not shatters the skull without killing the animal?  The blade across the neck of the frantically struggling pig is not any less painful simply because it is being wielded by the steady, honest hand of the family farmer.

Family farmers profit from the deaths of these animals.  The animals' death puts food on their table.  No wonder the family farmers are smiling in all the photos of them you see on the welfarist sites.  They're probably thinking, heck, if the animal Welfare Society and Farm Forward want to give us their seals of approval so the good progressive foodies out there will pay us double, what the heck.  We'll pose next to our cattle with good earth smiles for their promotional literature and count our money.

You read the Animal welfare approved blog babble about the compassion of the friendly farmers and you keep expecting them to say, Ha, fooled you!  We wanted to see if we could actually convince people we care about animals whose deaths we contribute to.  Man, you guys atually believed it?  It was a prank, man, a prank!

The animal welfare movement is a delusion wrapped in denial inside a lie.  People like Connie and Leigh Ann fume and wail at the corporate slaughterhouse and after they're done shaking their fist in anger, they use it to pick up their fork and enjoy the tasty, succulent flesh of the animals whose deaths they grieve.

Humane treatment certification

Farming in an animal welfare friendly way can be the key to better profitability.

--speaker at the Oxford Farming Conference

It's no secret that the "humane treatment" movement is motivated by profit. Most things are. If humane treatment and free range labels were accurate, they'd say, "We treat animals in ways people consider more humane because it makes them feel better about consuming the flesh of these animals, which, in turn, earns us a bigger profit." But truth makes for bad marketing. So the producer of humanely treated meat has to alter the truth. But how much? Does he have to resort to outright lies or can he maybe get by with some well thought-out distortions? Let's re-state the truth and see. "We treat animals in ways people consider more humane because it makes them feel better about consuming the flesh of these animals, which, in turn, earns us a bigger profit." Obviously the part about bigger profits has to go. They probably want to delete the part about making people feel better about themselves too, since accusing your prospective customers of hypocrisy is not the best way to build customer loyalty and generate sales. So they're left with the first part of the proposition. "We treat animals in ways people consider more humane." "Ways people consider" is far too ambiguous. It might lead people to the uncomfortable realization that it's also possible to consider slaughter as something less than humane. So what's left? "We treat animals humanely." That's it. Perfect. Now all they need is someone to deliver the message. It can't be the farmers themselves. People do tend to associate farmers with homespun virtues and uncomplicated beliefs, but they also understand that the producing and selling of animal flesh is the farmers' livelihood, which might be considered a conflict of interest. So if not the farmers who? Third party certifiers. But not a merely impartial certifier. They need a certifier the public considers an advocate for the well-being of animals. The big names, the A-listers, if you will, are out of the family farmer's league. They offer their services to the bigger, deeper-pocketed corporations. For instance, Temple Grandin sells her glowing testimonials to McDonald's. She wouldn't even return a family farmer's phone call. So the family farmer is forced to turn to organizations like the Animal Welfare Institute which specializes in family farms. The labels are printed. The photographer comes out to the farm and takes heart-melting photos of the farmer making goo goo eyes at the steer he'll soon slaughter, maybe just a few minutes after the photorgrapher packs up her gear. But it's the image of the happy steer and the caring farmer that lives on in marketing materials, PR releases and news articles. Humane treatment is a win-win-lose situation. The farmers win because they get to charge more for their products. The consumers win because they get to consume their animal flesh with an untroubled conscience. The only losers in the happy green field utopia are the animals.

The new cola wars: animal welfare-approved versus Dr. Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane products

The refrigerated section of the local grocery store is getting crowded with all the humanely treated meats out there.  You've got animal welfare-approved.  Certified Humane Raised and Handld.  Free Farm Certified.  And now a new player has entered the mix:  Dr. Temple Grandin certified sustainable & humane.  They're all targeting the same customers, so competition is bound to be fierce.  It's only a matter of time before the TV commercials hit the airwaves.

Hey, folks, the other guys like to talk about their humane treatment standards, but at animal welfare-approved, we deliver.  We've just received a new shipment of animal welfare-approved meats and we need to make room, so everything in our refrigerated section must go!  You won't believe the rock bottom prices on pork, steak, chicken, you name it, all compassionately slaughtered with the animal's comfort and well-being in mind.  Folks, your conscience deserves the very best!  Animal welfare-approved is the number one humanely treated meat dealer in the tri-county area.  We've got the most rigorous and progressive animal care standards anywhere and our friendly farmers always treat the animals with tender loving care.   But don't take our word for it.  Listen to what Paul and Janice from Madison, Wisconsin say:  "Dear Animal Welfare-approved, we're very progressive people.  We recycle, we only buy free trade coffee, we read the American Prospect and Counterpunch every day.  We were so appalled at the way animals are treated on those factory farms that last week we had a barbecue fundraiser to raise awareness about the plight of these poor creatures.  (Paul's succulent ribs went over big time!)  We feel such compassion for these animals, but how can we stop buying meat?  I mean what would we serve at the next awareness-raising barbecue?  We didn't know what to do.  Then we heard about your animal welfare-approved meats.  Now we can eat all the meat we want and we never have to feel guilty again."  that's right, folks, at animal-welfare approved, we give you all the flavor with none of the factory farm abuses.  So if you're a progressive who wants to feel like you did the right thing without giving up the great taste of animal flesh, make sure to stock up on animal welfare-approved meats today!

It's dealing days here at Temple Grandin's House of Certified Sustainable & Humane Products!  Check out this beauty -- a thick, tender top sirloin steak made from a peaceful and contented grass grazing steer.  It's juicy, delicious and best of all it was processed with our unique humane slaughtering methods that guarantee a guilt-free eating experience every time.  How much would you expect to pay for this piece of mind?  Twenty dollars?  Eighteen?  Try just $14.99.  You heard me right.  Our competitors over at Animal Welfare-approved claim they've got demanding humane treatment standards.  But at Temple Grandin's House of certified sustainable & humane products, we've consulted for some of the biggest companies on the planet.  Temple Grandin has written best-selling books on animal happiness, and she's the world's number one authority on designing humane slaughterhouses.  No wonder in taste tests across the country, progressive eaters preferred the humane treatment standards of Dr. Temple Grandin Certified Sustainable & Humane products over our competitors three to one.  Why would you eat anything else?

Promoting animal welfare by stapling green numbers in their ears

You are one lucky steer is all I can say, number six.  You were born on an animal welfare-approved farm.  That means you get to romp around in green fields under blue skies until your number is called, which, don't worry, won't be for a while yet since Number One's just getting locked into the head clamp now.  If you'd been born on one of those inhumane factory farms that care nothing about the well-being of animals  ... excuse me, Number Two!  It's your turn, Number Two!  Hey, no worries, Number Six, but you might want to start romping around soon because it looks like this Animal Welfare-approved farmer likes to work quickly.

You know, you should be proud of yourself, Number Six.  You're making so many people feel so much better about themselves.  You see, a lot of people are appalled at the conditions of the factory farms.  Not appalled enough to stop eating animals like yourself, mind you, but appalled just enough to be willing to pay a little extra for the flesh of animals that got a chance to romp around in green fields under blue skies before they were slaughtered.  Excuse me.  Number Three!  It's your turn, Number Three!

I only wish you got a chance to meet the compassionate people who will be eating you, Number Six.  They're really going to enjoy it and not just because they crave the taste of your tender flesh.  They'll be able to eat you with a clean conscience.  You don't know anything about consciences because you're just an animal.  A conscience is what helps us humans do things that are morally just, like slaughter and consume other living beings ... oops, that's not what I meant to say, I must have gotten distracted by the wailing of Number Three.  It seems the friendly Animal Welfare-approved farmer didn't slaughter Number Three properly the first time and he's in an awful lot of pain right now.  Hopefully he can hearken back to his memories of romping around in green fields under blue skies and it will distract him from his pain.

Number Four!  Number Five!  It's your turn.  Hey, what's up, Number Six, you're shaking, you look so frightened.  Please don't wast this time when you should out romping around, your turn's getting closer.  Ah, I see.  I know why you're not romping around in green fields under blue skies.  It's because you're actually stuck in a cage.  I can explain.  When we talk about romping around in green fields under blue skies, it's more of a symbolic thing.  It's our intention that counts and our intention is to get people who buy Animal Welfare-approved products to think you get to romp around.  You're a realist, Number Six, I can see that you are.  You understand that people who like thinking they care about your welfare have a lot of disposable income.  Well, enough said about that, eh?

Well, Number Six, it's almost time.  I know you'd thank us if you could for bringing you up here rather than in one of those inhumane factory farms.  Come here, let me give you a pat on the head before you go.  That's something they'd never do at one of those impersonal factory farms.  They'd send you straight to the slaughter without giving you a friendly pat on the head.  That really gets me so worked up.  What kind of inhumane people would slaughter a fellow living being without giving it a friendly pat on the head first?  Oh, the world we live in!  Well, Number Six, looks like the friendly animal welfare-approved farmer is calling you.

The Animal Welfare Approved label on the outside means grateful meat on the inside

These bags of ground-up flesh may look similar to bags of ground-up flesh from those big, greedy factory farms.  But they couldn't be more different.  See that blue and green label?  That's the Animal Welfare Approved label.  It means back when that ground-up flesh was still a living, breathing animal, it was treated with dignity and compassion.   "Animal Welfare Approved is not just a list of rules.  It's a philosophy of respect." This philosophy of respect might not be immediately apparent when you look at the bags of ground-up flesh sitting on the conveyor belt, but that's what the label is for.  The label tells us that though it may appear we're looking at the result of a painful and terrifying slaughter, we have to see beyond mere appearances.  The former animals whose remains now fill these bags were raised by family farmers who put "each individual animal's comfort and well-being first."  For instance, suppose that first bag contains the ground-up flesh of what was once a living duck.  We need to understand that the duck was permitted to enjoy clean, bountiful water before it was stunned electrically, had its throat cut, was bled then scalded to facilitate removal of its large feathers and dipped in paraffin wax to remove its pin feathers.  Mind you, every step of this process was done with a philosophy of respect or it never would have earned the Animal Welfare Approved label.  So next time you're in the meat section of your local grocery store and you can't seem to tell the difference between meat prepared with care and respect for compassionate eaters and meat brutally slaughtered with avarice and cruelty in factory farms, fit only to be consumed by uncaring gluttons, then look for the Animal Welfare Approved label.

We dined on a delectable Animal Welfare Approved proscuitto

The Animal Welfare Institute, an organization whose self-proclaimed mission is to "eliminate cruelty," took the good word to the Slow Food Nation gathering in San Francisco.

Market Outreach Coordinator Emily Lancaster ... demonstrated the close quarters endured by the majority of laying hens in the US.

They talked more about preventing the cruel treatment of animals, declarations were made, petitions were signed and then it was time for a well-earned dinner.

The highlight of the day was a fundraising Slow Dinner held at Woodward's Garden on Mission Street.  Restauranteurs Margie Conrad and Dana Tommasino delivered an absolutely perfect evening ... Dana's menu featured Jude Becker's Animal Welfare Approved proscuitto and pork from the Animal Welfare Approved pig farmers at the Niman Ranch.

As we chewed the mouth-watering proscuitto, so lovingly and conscientiously slaughtered by our Animal Welfare Approved pig farmers at Niman Ranch, then prepared by our wonderful, world class chef, Jude, we couldn't help but reflect on how Animal Welfare Approved labeling has improved the lives of so many animals.  I took another bite of that dreamy proscuitto.   As its heavenly taste melted into my mouth, I was positive I could taste the gratitude of that former pig, so happy to be born and raised in an Animal Welfare Approved farm.  You're so very welcome, I replied to that former pig through bites of his delicious tender flesh, so lovingly prepared by Animal Welfare approved chef Jude.

The wine, so generously donated by Beringer, was delightful.

It so beautifully complemented the proscuitto, sliced from the flank of a pig who, if he were still alive, which he surely would be if he weren't so lovingly and considerately slaughtered in his prime of life by Animal Approved pig farmer Will Harris, would attribute the tenderness of his flesh to the loving care bestowed upon him by the Animal Approved pig farmers at Niman Ranch.  This wise and grateful pig understood, as did all the compassionate souls consuming him at the candlelight dinner, that if this proscuitto we were eating came from a pig on a factory farm, it would never have blended so remarkably with our truly delectable wine.  

The feeling of warmth and camaraderie filled the air as we all had a second helping of proscuitto and contemplated the wonderful things we were doing to prevent animal cruelty.  One of the Animal Welfare Approved pig farmers from Niman Ranch proposed a toast.  "To all the money us family farmers are making by having the label Animal Welfare Approved on our pork."  Silly man.  He had one delectable glass of wine too many.  What he meant to toast was the compassion of all those kind souls out there who insist on only eating meat slaughtered by Animal Welfare Approved farmers.

As I put the finishing touches on my truly amazing dinner, I reflected on how it was with a straight face, bereft of sarcasm, self-ridicule or irony, I could utter the phrase, "animal welfare approved proscuitto."  Oops.  No I didn't.  That silly pig farmer from Niman Ranch who had one glass of delectable wine too many got me all muddled.

Thanks to everyone who made this such a spectacular event.

Thanks especially to the pigs, without whose flesh this truly memorable dinner never could have happened.

Thank God we were slaughtered by a local farmer instead of one of those big, impersonal corporations!

The Animal Welfare Institute decrees...

Only family farms can earn our seal.  Families who own, labor on and earn a meaningful livelihood from their farms have a true commitment and connection to the animals that is lost on factory farms managed by distant, corporate owners and run by hired hands.

This is a very important distinction to the animal.  I mean the last thing they want is an impersonal slaughter by someone they barely know.  Put down that stun bolt gun, you hired hand of a distant corporate owner, get away from me, I don't want to get slaughtered by a stranger, I want a bolt jammed into my brain by that friendly guy in the overalls who pats me on the head every morning.

The meaningful livelihood part the Animal Welfare Institute insists on is important too.  The slaughtered animal would scream in terror at the shackling and approaching blade if it knew the money earned by its carcass would go into the coffers of some corporate behemoth far away.  Now if the carcass money goes to the happy, local farmer, well that's another story.  This happy local farmer can use the money to buy, befriend and slaughter more animals, who will be just as grateful to be slaughtered in the intimate setting of a local farm rather than the impersonal farm of those distant, corporate owners.

The slaughtered animal would be especially re-assured knowing its slaughter earned the Animal Welfare Institute seal of approval, since the Animal Welfare Institute cares so deeply about the welfare of animals.  I give my slaughter my seal of approval too! the grateful animal would exclaim.