omg, the horrible way these animals are treated made me cry and I got tears all over my animal welfare-approved pork chops

The Animal Welfare Society blog posted the undercover videos of the abuse by that infamous Hormel supplier in Iowa.  The conclusion the blog draws from these videos is not that people should stop creating a demand for the flesh of these animals, but that they should buy their meat from family farms.  The videos horrified the blog's commentors.  Connie says...

omg, if you can watch this video and not break down crying, I do not know what to say.

Sorry for pilfering your verbiage and your brittle feelings, Connie, but if you can watch this video and break down crying and then continue to consume animal products, I don't know what to say.  She continues...

I truly cannot believe this cruelty is allowed to happen.

But it is and you know why?  Because people like you, Connie, cry your crocodile tears and continue to have pork chops for dinner.  If people didn't consume animal products, there would be no farms like the one on the video.

Meanwhile, commentor Leigh Ann thinks the problem is BIG CORPORATIONS, which she emphasizes by setting them in all caps.  BIG CORPORATIONS.  BIG MONEY.  Please support local farmers, she says plaintively, though maybe with a little more restraint than the excitable Connie.  Family farmers raise their animals with compassion.  Over and over we hear this.  I can't see Leigh Ann as she types her comment so I can't say for sure if she manages to type it with a straight face.  Raise them with compassion?  Do people slaughter the objects of their compassion?  Painless death?  Would Connie or Leigh Ann euthanize one of their pets with a stun bolt gun that more often than not shatters the skull without killing the animal?  The blade across the neck of the frantically struggling pig is not any less painful simply because it is being wielded by the steady, honest hand of the family farmer.

Family farmers profit from the deaths of these animals.  The animals' death puts food on their table.  No wonder the family farmers are smiling in all the photos of them you see on the welfarist sites.  They're probably thinking, heck, if the animal Welfare Society and Farm Forward want to give us their seals of approval so the good progressive foodies out there will pay us double, what the heck.  We'll pose next to our cattle with good earth smiles for their promotional literature and count our money.

You read the Animal welfare approved blog babble about the compassion of the friendly farmers and you keep expecting them to say, Ha, fooled you!  We wanted to see if we could actually convince people we care about animals whose deaths we contribute to.  Man, you guys atually believed it?  It was a prank, man, a prank!

The animal welfare movement is a delusion wrapped in denial inside a lie.  People like Connie and Leigh Ann fume and wail at the corporate slaughterhouse and after they're done shaking their fist in anger, they use it to pick up their fork and enjoy the tasty, succulent flesh of the animals whose deaths they grieve.

One McCruelty-free McChicken sandwich. Please drive through.

-- Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?

-- Yeah, I'd like a McChicken sandwich, please. And can I get mine slaughtered with gas?

-- Sorry, sir, that's not on our menu.

-- How do you slaughter them?

-- We dump them out of their crates and hang them upside-down in metal shackles then we cut their throats.

-- I prefer my chicken gassed. It's called controlled atmosphere killing. It's a much more pleasant death.

-- You're from PETA aren't you?

-- Yeah.

-- You guys are protesting against us again?

-- I know, it's been a while. Nine years since our last one. This time we're demanding that you slaughter your chickens with gas. We're calling it our McCruetly campaign.

-- That's what you called that last protest.

-- Just like old times, huh? You guys will cave in the end, you know.

-- I know. Then you'll give us lots of praise for doing the right thing. Sales really go through the roof when that happens. Hey, I got a question for you. I heard if the gas isn't administered properly, the chickens go berserk, shaking their heads around, gasping for air. I hear it's a really excruciating death.

-- That would suck.

-- So shouldn't you guys be encouraging people to stop eating chicken instead? Then the chickens wouldn't get shackled and have their throats slit and they wouldn't get gassed either.

-- What would we dress up as in our protests? A piece of tempeh? There aren't any good vegan costumes.

-- I see your point.

-- 'kay sorry to sound ornery, but I'm really craving a chicken sandwich here. Can you maybe make me up a special order? Gas it out back or something.

-- Sorry, sir, I could check with the manager, but I don't think we have slaughtering capabilities on premises.

-- Look, dude, I'm really hungry. But I'm not ordering a chicken that wasn't slaughtered humanely.

-- We still follow the humane slaughtering procedures for steer.

-- You mean from our last McCruelty campaign?

-- Yeah.

-- Cool. Gimme a Big Mac.

-- Please drive through.

A new member in the Big Greasy BBQ Forum

BUZZ:  Welcome to the Big Greasy BBQ forum, anmlwfre, what's your nic stand for, animal warfare?

ANMLWFRE:  Animal Wel-fare.  I'm from Farm Forward.  It's our mission to improve the lives of farm animals.

BELLYBOY:  The topic today is big juicy sizzling kielbasa.  Don't you love how the juice drips down your chin?  Come on, you can admit it, anmlwfre, you're among friends here.

ANMLWFRE:  Okay, yes, I do love a big juicy kielbasa, provided the pig it came from had ample space to turn around in before it was slaughtered, mind you.

BUZZ:  Wink.  Wink.

ANMLWFRE:  No, I'm serious.

BELLYBOY:  You're a funny dude, anmlwfre

UNCLEMIKEY:  So you say you believe animals should be treated well.  But you slaughter 'em.  Isn't that kind of like a contradiction?

ANMLWFRE:  Not at all.  Hold on, I got rib sauce on my fingers, don't want to get it on my keyboard.  Okay, I'm back.  It's okay as long as you slaughter them humanely.

BELLYBOY:  Humane slaughter.  That's a good one.  Mind if I use that one at my next tailgating party?

ANMLWFRE:  It's not a joke.  We're entirely serious.

GREASEGUY:  Hey, my burger's so juicy it's a good thing I got one of them super absorbent buns.

ANMLWFRE:  YOu're making my mouth water.  I mean provided the steer the burger came from had plenty of grass to graze on before it was slaughtered.

BUZZ:  You crack me up.

ANMLWFRE:  I'm serious, guys.  We at Farm Forward believe factory farming is one of the most important issues of our time.

BELLYBOY:  Look, anmlwfre, you're our kind of people.  You like big hunks of juicy meat just like we do.

ANMLWFRE:  Well, I must say, I feel a kinship too.

GREASEGUY:  Yeah, at first I thought you were one of those freaks who don't eat meat but you're pretty cool.

ANMLWFRE:  Are you kidding!  By being so rigid about not eating meat and dairy, those people are setting the animal rights movement back a hundred years.  It really annoys the CEO's of the big fast food places when they hear someone refuses to eat their products.  I ought to know, at farm forward we consult for them all the time.

CHOWHOUND:  Hey, anmlwfre, I once scarfed down eight kielbasas in one sitting.

ANMLWFRE:  Impressive.

CHOWHOUND:  How about you?

ANMLWFRE:  The other night at a benefit, they served some delectable lamb medallions.  My wife had to attend an art gallery opening, so I helped myself to hers.

BELLYBOY:  Pretty cool.  So where did you say you're from again?

ANMLWFRE:  Farm Forward.  Don't mean to boast but Jonathan Safron Foer is on our board of directors.

CHOWHOUND:  Who's that?

ANMLWFRE:  He's only one of the most accomplished writers of his generation.  He's going to do a reading from his latest book this weekend.

BELLYBOY:  Cool.  He writes books on barbecuing?

ANMLWFRE:  No.

BUZZ:  He going to read a passage about how much he loves juicy ribs, smothered with sauce?

CHOWHOUND:  I don't get it, anmlwfre, how does having this rib cookbook writer guy on your board help animals?

ANMLWFRE:  He's not a rib cookbook writer.  I told you.  He writes literary fiction.

UNCLEMIKEY;  He must be real creative.  He the one who came up with humane slaughter?

BUZZ:  This consulting with big fast food places sounds like a good gig, anmlwfre.  Bet they pay you plenty.

ANMLWFRE:  Money's not what's important.  We get to communicate our point of view.

CHOWHOUND:  About how delectable pork medallions are?

ANMLWFRE:  No, our broader point of view.  Our mission statement, if you will.

BUZZ:  Hey, anmlwfre, I just marinated some chicken breasts and threw 'em on the grill.  you'd love 'em.

ANMLWFRE:  Sounds tasty.  Provided the chickens had access to sunlight before they were slaughtered.

CHOWHOUND:  I got five words:  pass me the hot sauce.

ANMLWFRE:  I got two words:  me too.

BUZZ:  anmlwfre, I'm glad you joined our Big Greasy BBQ forum.

ANMLWFRE:  Thanks for making me feel so welcome.

BELLYBOY:  And thanks for giving me that joke about humane slaughter.  Don't worry, I'll give you credit.  I ain't into stealing other peoples' jokes.

ANMLWFRE:  It's not a joke.

CHOWHOUND:  This guy cracks me up.

ANMLWFRE:  I've got to go attend another fund raiser.  I'll be back later.  Enjoy your kielbasa, everyone!

BELLYBOY:  We will.  Provided the pig had plenty of space to turn around in before it was slaughtered.  Ha ha ha!

Animal welfare and the power of self-delusion

In a recent article in the London Times, a long-time vegetarian wrote that she has now gone back to eating meat.  The reason?  Animals are raised more humanely now.  I had an email exchange with a friend about the article.  At one point he wrote, "to say I think eating meat is okay implies I'm indifferent to animal suffering.  That isn't true.  I do believe animals shouldn't suffer and die to satisfy human desires.  I eat meat because I am a hypocrite.  I'm violating my beliefs."

But is that his belief just because he says it is, even though his behavior contradicts him?  What constitutes a belief?  If I say I believe in helping the homeless and then I kick the first homeless person I see in the head, have I just violated my belief or was I maybe deluded when I claimed it as a belief?  That may sound like semantics but it's not.  People who think they believe in the rights of animals cling stubbornly to this belief.  They don't want to give it up.  They like that part of themselves.  I know "animal lover, animal advocate" makes up a big part of my friend's self-image.  If he were forced to abandon that belief, he wouldn't like the person who remained.

But he can only call himself a hypocrite for so long.  Eventually, he'll have to make a choice.  He either believes animals have the right not to suffer and die for our pleasure or he doesn't.  Either he supports the horrors of what happens to these animals or he rejects it.  Not so fast, say the "animal welfare" proselytizers.  You don't have to choose.  You don't have to abandon your cherished self-image.  There's a middle ground between the horrors of factory farms and giving up the consumption of the animal products you love so much and the middle ground is this:  you can support our campaign to improve the lives of these animals before they're slaughtered.  We'll push for bigger cages for laying hens.  We'll demand more space for hogs to roam around in.  We'll confront the big fast food companies.  We'll demand more humane treatment for all farm animals.

So now people like my friend are able to grasp hold of that middle ground, that purgatory, and it allows them to keep their self-image intact.  I really do care about the well-being of animals.  I  am doing my part to reduce their suffering.  I don't have to give up eating meat and dairy after all.  Phew.

This is the problem with animal welfare campaigns.

The Frank Lloyd Wright of slaughterhouses writes book on animal happiness

The New York Times reviewed a book on animal happiness by Professor Temple Gardin, well-known slaughterhouse designer.  It's kind of like having the makers of Smith & Wesson handguns write a book on pacifism.  Some excerpts...

Some people think death is the most terrible thing that can happen to an animal.  The most important thing for an animal is quality of life.

This is a real head-spinner.  She says it's the quality of life that's important.  But death ends life.  There is no quality of life after the slaughter.  There is no life period.  And it's not like there's some Dr. Kevorkian of the animal husbandry world putting animals out of their misery when they've lived out most of their lives and are nearing death.  These animals are slaughtered in their youth.  So if quality of life is the most important thing for animals like she says, then death IS the most terrible thing that can happen to an animal since it terminates life and there can be no quality of life without life.

She says slaughterhouses need "strong, caring" managers.  Strong and caring.  That sounds like the hero of a Danielle Steele novel.

"Stand back, my darling" the heroic slaughterhouse manager said, stun gun held firmly in his thick, corded arms, his strong yet caring voice sending chills down Tessa's spine, "this animal will feel no pain.  But you might want to take a few steps back so you don't get brain tissue on your beautiful green dress, which would spoil our first dance at the ambassador's ball tonight.  Oh, and better plug your ears, my darling, because the stun gun doesn't always work right the first time and the steer will start to scream, disturbing your delicate ears which should only hear my tender words of affection, not the death throes of the cattle."

Temple Gardn's advice for these strong, caring managers?

A captive bolt gun has a steel bolt that is powered by either compressed air or a blank cartridge.  The bolt is driven into the animals' brain ... if a non-penetrating captive bolt is used the animal may revive unless it is bled promptly.

This word "caring" comes up over and over among people who talk about improving "animal welfare."  Words have agreed upon definitions.  These definitions turn otherwise random sounds into pieces of communication.  If you use the word to describe something that's the polar opposite of the agreed upon definition, communication is no longer possible.  Caring slaughterhouse worker.  If Temple Gardin arbitrarily decided to suspend the agreed upon definition of "caring" and replace it with a new one, if caring now means "willingness to drive a metal bolt through the skull and brain of an animal," then I suppose these slaughterhouse workers are caring. 

The article tells us Temple Gardin has consulted, i.e. received money from, McDonald's and Wendy's.  And guess what?  "She has kind words for them."  They sent her home with a wad of cash and a Happy Meal and she spread the word.   People suspect PR agencies of being bought off so they don't believe press releases by companies like McDonald's.  But when an animal rights thinker with genuine cred and books to her name and a publicity photo of herself surrounded by happy animals has kind words to say, that's going to sell a lot of Big Mac's.

Don't bother reading the book.  Wait until the McDonald's tray liner version comes out.

The different types of people who consume animal products

Among people who consume animal products you tend to see a continuum:

1)  Those who not only are indifferent to the suffering of animals raised for food but who actively derive pleasre from killing animals themselves.  Hunters say they eat what they kill, but most will usually admit the primary motivation is the thrill of the hunt.

2)  Those who don't slaughter animals themselves but who make no pretense of caring about the suffering and death of these animals.  For these people, the human desire for animal flesh outweighs the animal's desire not to suffer.  Presumably, if these people did not benefit in any way from the suffering and death of the animals, they would reject it.  Dan at Unpopular Vegan Essays has an intriguing analysis of the willingness of people who consider themselves "kind and gentle" to suspend those values when they consider the animals who end up on their dinner plates.

3)  Those who do care about the suffering of non-human animals.  They are aware of this suffering but don't want to be.  They don't want to see it or hear about it.  They actively avoid images or information that make more vivid their purposefully vague conception of what happens to animals raised for food.  Too much awareness would force them to re-consider their behavior and they are unwilling/unable to do that.

4)  Those who are fully aware of the suffering of non-human animals and who renounce it but whose renunciation is not strong enough to get them to give up their own role in perpetuating that suffering.  These people justify their behavior by coming up with gradations of cruelty.  If an animal is raised in what they arbitrarily deem humane conditions, then the suffering and slaughter becomes morally tolerable.  This acceptable level of suffering enables them to rationalize their own consumption of animals by placing themselves in a position of moral superiority relative to other people.  "Unlike those people who disregard the conditions of animals," they tell themselves, "I do care.  I insist on only consuming animals who, prior to the slaughter, lived tolerable lives."  These people, paradoxically, often become proselytizers for animal rights.  They genuinely see themselves as passionate and committed advocates.  The Animal Welfare Institute is one of many examples of people who advocate for a reduction of animal suffering but who refuse to eliminate their own perpetuation of that suffering.  You read their accounts of sumptuous pork dinners at their animal welfare conferences and you think they're making a morbid joke.  But they are completely in earnest.

The Animal Welfare Approved spokesman auditions

Burger King has the King.  McDonald's has Ronald and a slew of lesser lights.  Jack-in-the-Box has Jack.  Sure, Animal Welfare Approved has a handsome label, but they deserve a spokesman too.  Like any spokesman selection process, there needs to be auditions.  You don't hand out a coveted role just like that.  First up, Grinning George.

GRINNING GEORGE:  The table is set, the candles lit, the wine poured.  Stories are shared and toasts are made.  Good fellowship fills the air.  And then it happens.  Your conscience spoils the dinner party by reminding you of all the pain and suffering the animal endured before it became the slice of meat on your plate.  My name is Grinning George and I'm here to tell you it doesn't have to be that way.  Now there's a way to appease your conscience without giving up the taste you crave.  All you need to do is make sure your meat is Animal Welfare Approved.  It's just that simple.  With the unique Animal Welfare Approved system of elaborate rationalizations and twisted self-deluding logic, you'll be able to convince your conscience the former animal whose carcass sits on your plate actually had a happy life, nut just before it was slaughtered, but even while it was being slaughtered.  Sound hard to believe?  Think of it as a beer that tastes great AND is less filling.  Or a cereal bar that's good AND good for you.  Animal Welfare Approved meat is good for your taste buds AND your conscience!

Animal Welfare Approved means the animals were raised and slaughtered on family farms, not big, impersonal factory farms.  And that makes all the difference.  The family farmers are kind and gentle.  They give the animals space to run around in, or at least they claim to when the Animal Welfare Approved representative comes out once a year to audit the farm and share a hearty pork dinner.  Animal Welfare Approved works on even the most stubborn conscience.  Your conscience may tell you "humane slaughter" is a morbid contradiction in terms.  But Animal Welfare Approved says to your conscience, no, you're so wrong, the animal was slaughtered with "a philosophy of respect." 

With Animal Welfare Approved labeling, the days of bad conscience and a heavy heart spoiling an otherwise delightful dinner party are a thing of the past.  So make sure to look for the green and blue Animal Welfare Approved label.  Deluding yourself with preposterous rationalizations isn't just for progressives anymore.  It's for everyone who loves the great taste of meat without the nasty nagging conscience. 

The Animal Welfare Approved label on the outside means grateful meat on the inside

These bags of ground-up flesh may look similar to bags of ground-up flesh from those big, greedy factory farms.  But they couldn't be more different.  See that blue and green label?  That's the Animal Welfare Approved label.  It means back when that ground-up flesh was still a living, breathing animal, it was treated with dignity and compassion.   "Animal Welfare Approved is not just a list of rules.  It's a philosophy of respect." This philosophy of respect might not be immediately apparent when you look at the bags of ground-up flesh sitting on the conveyor belt, but that's what the label is for.  The label tells us that though it may appear we're looking at the result of a painful and terrifying slaughter, we have to see beyond mere appearances.  The former animals whose remains now fill these bags were raised by family farmers who put "each individual animal's comfort and well-being first."  For instance, suppose that first bag contains the ground-up flesh of what was once a living duck.  We need to understand that the duck was permitted to enjoy clean, bountiful water before it was stunned electrically, had its throat cut, was bled then scalded to facilitate removal of its large feathers and dipped in paraffin wax to remove its pin feathers.  Mind you, every step of this process was done with a philosophy of respect or it never would have earned the Animal Welfare Approved label.  So next time you're in the meat section of your local grocery store and you can't seem to tell the difference between meat prepared with care and respect for compassionate eaters and meat brutally slaughtered with avarice and cruelty in factory farms, fit only to be consumed by uncaring gluttons, then look for the Animal Welfare Approved label.

The self-contradicting lawn sign

I just walked by a sign on San Vicente that said, "Stop animal cruelty.  Yes on Prop 2."  I can only assume the sign maker was a fair-minded person who, after writing, "Stop animal cruelty," decided the opposing point of view deserved equal space.  So he added, "Yes on Prop 2."

Uhm, isn't this what they mean by the fox guarding the hen house?

Some animal welfare organizations claim victory when they pressure companies like McDonald's into agreeing to adhere to animal welfare guidelines.  They herald the victory with big, splashy mailers accompanied by solicitations for money to help them keep fighting the good fight.  The animal welfare guidelines they pressure companies into complying with are obviously set by well-respected animal advocacy organizations that have the animals' best interest at heart, right?  Let's see.  How about Jack-in-the-Box restaurants.  They say on their website:

Animal welfare guidelines and protocol for pork and beef suppliers established by the National Pork Board and the American Meat Institute.

Animal welfare guidelines and protocol for the poultry industry established by the National Chicken Council, the National Turkey Federation and the United Egg Producers.

Animal welfare guidelines and protocol for dairy cattle established by the International Dairy Foods Association and the National Milk Producers Federation.

The only groups missing from this honor roll of animal advocacy organizations are the Association of Malfunctioning Throat Cutting Machines, the Institute of Sadistic Factory Farm Workers who Shove Still-living Hogs in Boiling Water for Pleasure and the Federation of Captive Bolt Stunners.

It's good to know that the National Milk Producers, the International Dairy Foods Association, the United Egg Producers, the National Turkey Federation, the National Chicken Council, the National Pork Board and the American Meat Institute are out there on the front lines, fighting to protect animals from the savagery of factory farms.  How can I contribute money to the cause?