Thursday, July 5, 2012

Animal Welfare-Approved July 4th recipes

“The Animal Welfare-Approved standards are the most rigorous and progressive animal welfare requirements in the nation … that benefit farmers, consumers and animals alike.”

 The farmers get to charge a premium. The consumers get to tell themselves they’re concerned about animal suffering without giving up the taste of their flesh. And the animals? They get their skulls shattered and throats slit, which at first glance doesn’t seem like much of a benefit, but maybe that’s just ungrateful quibbling, especially when Animal-welfare approved got into the spirit of the holidays by offering us Fourth of July recipes in their blog.

Five recipes from an organization that exists to reduce animal suffering. Must be plenty of delicious meals that don’t require slaughtering them and carving up their carcass. Let’s see…Gourmet mushroom onion burger. Sausage Dip. Crab and goat cheese pizza. Roast chicken.

Maybe that's how they protect the welfare of the animals – by offering different recipes requiring the flesh of a different species. They protect the welfare of cattle by offering a sausage recipe, which reduces the number of cattle slaughtered by increasing the number of pigs slaughtered. They protect the welfare of pigs by offering the roast chicken recipe which reduces the number of pigs slaughtered by increasing the number of chicken slaughtered.  And so on.

But these recipes do seem kind of incomplete. As protectors of animal welfare, they shouldn’t leave out so many steps.  Let’s put back what they left out.

Directions for Animal Welfare-Approved, Reduced-Suffering gourmet mushroom onion burgers


One living, breathing steer.
One stun bolt.
One friendly animal-welfare approved farmer.
One animal welfare-approved stun bolt.


*Place steer in holding pen (pat on head and coo at him to ease his terror)
*Shatter his skull with bolt from stun bolt gun (kindly, now, kindly)
*Hang cattle upside down (very gently) and place on processing line.
*Sever carotid artery with knife. (Be sure to slice with heartfelt compassion)
*Remove hide with down puller (Again, be gentle, he might still be clinging to life)
*Chill carcass then cut into pieces
*Combine all ingredients and form into patties
*Pour glasses of cab for everyone and toast your compassion as you enjoy your animal-welfare approved, reduced-suffering Gourmet mushroom onion burgers.