Sarah Palin, yeti hunter

There was an article today about a team of Japanese adventurers who took photos of what they claim are the footprints of a yeti.  Here's the perfect opportunity for Sarah Palin to re-claim her hold over the country.  An American politician's popularity is directly proportional to the size of animal they shoot.  So why claim she's a mere moose hunter?  It's time for the McCain campaign to start circulating photos of Sarah Palin posing in front of the bloody carcass of a yeti.  Americans would swoon.  And if they really want to re-ignite the campaign, they can embellish the story even more.  After Sarah Palin brought down the yeti with a single shot, her husband, Todd, strapped the carcass to the hood of his snowmobile and they sped across hundreds of miles of Alaskan wilderness, stopping periodically to drill for oil and make sure no Russian planes were crossing into American air space, and still made it back home to Wasilla in time to ban a few books from the library and cook up a big family dinner.  How could America possibly keep someone like that out of the White House?

Polar bears are the true cause of global warming

As governor, Sarah Palin sued the Interior Department on Alaska's behalf to get polar bears taken off the endangered species list, claiming it cripples oil and gas development in sensitive areas.  In her VP debate, she grudgingly acknowledged that global warming exists but said she didn't know what causes it.  All she needs to do now is complete the circle.  Blame global warming on the polar bears.  Her supporters will eat it up.  Those selfish, wasteful polar bears.  It's bad enough that their presence keeps us from heeding Sarah Palin's calls to "drill, baby, drill."  Now it turns out, on top of that, they're responsible for a crisis that threatens the future of the planet?  And we're protecting them?   They'll be scatched off the endangered species list in less time than it takes Sarah Palin to construct a complete sentence.  Then she can tell the people she encourages to shoot wolves from airplanes to bag a few polar bears while they're at it.  And once the polar bears are gone, there won't be any more excuses not to drill, baby, drill.

Wolves deprive hunters of pleasure of killing caribou

Why does Sarah Palin enthusiastically support the shooting of wolves from airplanes?  Because wolves kill moose and caribou to survive.  Which deprives people like Sarah Palin of the pleasure of killing them for sport.

The bigger the animal you kill, the better your chances of getting elected

When supporters of Governor Sarah Palin talk about the things they find so refreshing about her, moose hunter is at the top of their lists.  They're charmed that here is a woman who doesn't merely kill run-of-the-mill animals like deer, but exotic animals like moose and wolves.  What a breath of fresh air!  My imaginary interview with a Republican pollster helped me better understand her appeal.

RFFM:  Sarah Palin's numbers might be tailing off now, but when she was first introduced to the country, people were really taken with the idea of a moose hunter from Alaska.  We all saw the photo of her standing over the moose she just killed.

POLLSTER:  Well, if there'd been a picture of her posing over a more commonplace animal carcass it wouldn't have been that big of a deal.  I've found the bounce in the polls is directly proportional to the kind of animal you kill.  If she'd shot a little rodent, you wouldn't have seen much of a bounce at all.  It actually might have harmed the McCain/Palin ticket.  Deer -- that's good for a couple points a best, since deer hunting is very common and Americans are thirsting for a change this election.  Birds are harder to asses.  They're smaller, true, but oftentimes it takes more skill to bring one down.  But big mammals like wolf and caribou means you get a big bounce in the polls.

RFFM:  But there must be some people out there turned off by the idea of someone killing a moose for sport.

POLLSTER:  Oh, you're talking about the jealousy factor -- people who, through no fault of their own, never get a chance to bring down a moose or wolf.  It's true, Americans are egalitarians.  We like an even playing field.  Most of us never get a chance to kill an exotic animal like a moose.  And on top of that, she gets to kill wolves from an airplane, whereas most of us have to do our killing from the ground.  But what you have to realize is Americans are a very forgiving people.  We accept that not everybody has the same opportunities and we don't hold her good fortune against her.

RFFM:  I meant some people would be turned off that someone would derive pleasure from inflicting horrible pain to an innocent animal, any innocent animal.

POLLSTER:  Sorry, I'm not following.

RFFM:  Why kill the moose?  Why kill the wolves?

POLLSTER:  Why do you think God put them on earth?  It's all written down in the Bible.  It's also in the second amendment, which God handed down to Moses while he was out shooting desert fox.