The rough and final drafts of the Hormel Foods position on humane handling

The final draft:

A video was released that showed images from a hog farm in Iowa.  It is important to note that the farm in the video is not a Hormel Foods' farm and the people are not Hormel Foods' employees.  We find the images in the video appalling and they are inconsistent with our standards and industry standards for humane handling.  The abuse on the video depicted practices that are completely unacceptable.  Animal welfare and animal husbandry have always been top priority at Hormel Foods.  This is simply about treating animals humanely because it's the right thing to do.

The rough draft:

A video was released by some do gooder freakshow punk that showed some images from a hog farm in Iowa of a hog getting dunked in boiling water while it was still living.  It is important to note that it was a freaking hog!  You hear us, a freaking hog!  So the workers got a little carried away and they dunked it in boiling water when it was still alive.  And now it's dead.  Are we missing something here?  What part of it's a freaking hog don't you understand?  Yeah, you're all so civilized.  You want to think we treat the hog to a five star spa experience before we slit its throat.  You know why we slit its throat?  For you!  Because you've got a taste for hog flesh!  No hypocrite with a taste for hog flesh is going to get all high handed with us and act like you're so deeply horrified about what happened in that video.  Oh, we almost forgot.  It's a freaking hog!  You people make us sick with all your holier than thou preaching.  Now we got to waste time acting like we give a shit so people who don't give a shit any more than we do can read it and think we're all so nice and civilized.  You want us to say how humanely we treat 'em, how we give 'em room to turn around and stretch their little legs?  Are you forgetting something?  We freaking kill them!  So you can eat their flesh.  Okay, fine we'll jot down a few bullshit words saying how appalled we are, how that video is inconsistent with our standards, how we demand our suppliers adhere to the strictest standards and stick it on our website and you hypocrites can go back to salivating over the hog flesh on your plates and saying grace like you live in some polite and genteel world where hogs live like little princes until they magically turn into pork.  You want us to leave you with a Hormel humane treatment policy?  Fine.  Not giving two shits about what happens to these hogs has always been top priority at Hormel Foods.  You know why?  Because they're freaking hogs!  Now will you leave us the fuck alone?

Time for the annual turkey pardoning ceremony at the White House

In a few days, (soon-to-be-former, thank god or whatever) President Bush will keep alive the great American Thanksgiving tradition of pardoning a turkey.  The idea that this president is giving a pardon rather than receiving one is a topic for another day.  A couple from Elsworth, Iowa will present the approximately 45 lb. turkey that gets pardoned to the president.  Paul "butterball" Hill, his wife, Mary Hill, and their entire family -- because you don't exclude the children from an honor like this -- presented the turkey to the Iowa press today (think man lands on moon front page) and by tomorrow will be flying to the White House.  Paul Hill was given the honor because he is chairman of the National Turkey Federation.  Herein lies a tale of deceit and betrayal.  George Thornton (also pictured above) is President of the National Wild Turkey Federation.  He thought the honor of presenting the turkey for pardoning was going to him.  With good reason.  Much like with the Sunnis and Shiites, the Bush people played the National Turkey and National Wild turkey federation chairmen off each other.  They whispered things in their ears.  They encouraged, they baited, they offered enticements.  In the end, the honor went to Paul "Butterball" Hill and George Thornton returned home to lick his wounds.

Don't know anything about the National Turkey Federation?  (Sorry, George Thornton, not enough space here to pimp the National Wild Turkey Federation.)  Here's the "about" section, which was composed by the poet laureate of Iowa:

The National Turkey Federation is the national advocate for all segments of the turkey industry, providing services and conducting activities which increase demand for its members' products by protecting and enhancing their ability to profitably provide wholesome, high-quality, nutritious products.

So Paul "butterball" Hill and family are probably flying to Washington this very minute.  Last Thanksgiving, Bush pardoned two turkeys named Biscuits and Gravy and he made the following two jokes:  "You cannot take the heat and you're definitely going to stay out of the kitchen."  "Biscuits had to earn his spot.  It was neck and neck."  And you thought those presidential speechwriters couldn't do comedy.

So what happens to these pardoned turkeys?  They go to Kidwell Farms, in Frying Pan Park, in Fairfax County.  Really.  I thought the turkey slaughter puns had trickled down from the White House to the newspapers reporting the story but no.  The pardoned turkeys really do go to Frying Pan Park, where visitors can stroll down Carving Knife Lane through the Basting Gardens or camp in 450 degrees for 3 Hours Campground.  That's silly.  Paul "butterball" Hill would never stoop to making facetious, some might say cynical, comments like that at a solemn ceremony like this.  So Kidwell Farms.  The pardoned turkey will join goats, pigs and cows at the petting farm, where people can pet and make cooing noises at the animals they normally consume.  This is where George "butterball" Hill's approximately 45 lb. turkey will end up after being subjected to a few slaughter-themed puns by George W. Bush.  And the next day, the visitors will arrive to pay homage.

DAD:  here, Billy, pet the nice turkey.

KID:  What, so we can kill it later.

DAD:  Not this one, Billy.

KID:  But we kill the others, one of its relatives.

DAD:  We don't kill it, Billy.  Someone kills it for us.

KID:  So we're cowards?

DAD:  No.

KID:  Hypocrites?

DAD:  Okay, fuck it, we're going to Six Flags.

So to follow up on the question of the hypothetical conscience-stricken kid, what exactly does happen to turkeys on turkey farms?  Not Frying Pan Farm.  The non-pardoned turkeys, I mean.  Stephanie e posted a video of what happens on one of those farms.  You don't want to see this video.  REally.  You don't want to see it unless you want to go to sleep tonight hating your fellow man.  Next time you think people force themselves to ignore the abuse and  suffering of animals because they like the taste of their meat, you'll remember this video and you'll know that some people don't just ignore it, they actually derive pleasure, the kind of pleasure that sex can only dream of equalling, pleasure from choking and bludgeoning and neck-stomping and other things that should never exist outside of hell.  It's stomach-turning, nauseating stuff.  I was going to say maybe the White House could supplement the pardoning ceremony with this video and if it's a little harsh for the camera-snapping tourists, they could just add a laugh track to soften it.  But that's a joke, and there's no place for jokes anywhere near this video.  Just saw the video again and there's only one more thing worth saying.  The end.

Rape Rack Raspberry: A new flavor from Ben & Jerry's!

Ben & Jerry are pissed.  The FDA approved meat and dairy from cloned animals and they aren't having any of it.  It's the cloned part that annoys them, not the animals slaughtered for human pleasure part.  "We're beside ourselves, twice over," they say on their website, the playful pun tempering the indignation, reminding anyone with power or money who might happen to stop by their site that at heart Ben & Jerry are still a couple of fun loving sixties goofballs, so nobody should take their rant too seriously and take it out on the wildly successful businessman part of them.  Never mind that.  It's not the issue here.  Everyone knows the story of Ben & Jerry.  They made a name for themselves as countercultural stoners who made good.  They're known for retaining their Chomskian views and their hemp wallets.  They created the Caring Dairy initiative to convert farms to green energy.  They use fair trade ingredients.  They treat their workers well.  I've been to their factory in Vermont.  It's the biggest tourist attraction in the state.  I've seen the busloads of tourists limping out of busses and up the steps on their canes to get free ice cream to supplement their obesity ... stupid wine that I'm drinking, that's not the point either.  Ben & Jerry's outrage over cloned cows appears genuine, not like the statements about animal welfare on, say, the Hormel website, written by flak #478 in cubicle #4524.  Ben & Jerry's "intends to tell consumers exactly what's in our ice cream and other products through truthful labels..."  Truthful labels, they say.  I say, hmmm.  I don't want to trash Ben & Jerry.  I've probably gotten stoned to the same music they have, though it's more of a retro stoned.  I still spend a lot of time in Vermont.  But really now, Ben, Jerry.  You must know the fate of the cows that produce your ice cream.  The rest of the do good philosophy plays well in the press.  Brand image, as we used to say in my advertising days of hypocrisy and rationalization.  But doing good has to have boundaries, doesn't it?  And the thick, uncrossable boundary for Ben and Jerry is what happens to those ice cream producing cows after their ice cream days are over.  If they really want labels of truth on their ice cream, they could tell people the fate of the original source of Cherry Garcia and Chunky Monkey when she stops being productive after a few years.  And maybe a separate label to tell people what happens to her male offspring, how it ends up in a veal crate.  You're always looking for new flavors, aren't you, Ben & Jerry?  How about "Veal-nilla?"  And how about one named after the dairy cows that get artificially inseminated on the rape rack?  Raspberry Rape Rack.  It's alliterative, just like a lot of the Ben & Jerry flavors, so it should be popular, though maybe not in the Cherry Garcia, strawberry cheesecake universe of hyper-popularity.  Okay, back to the rant on their website.  "Ben & Jerry's still believes every cow has a right to be herself."  Up until we milk her dry and slaughter her the same way we slaughtered her son ... No, Ben & Jerry didn't say that part.  That was me, rearing my editorial head.  Ben & Jerry say ... ah, screw it.  I'm tired and a little buzzed.  I'm going to bed.  But you should take a break from your rant about cloning, Ben & Jerry, and check out what happens to those ice cream producing cows of yours afterwards.  If you can't make it to your local slaughterhouse, there's plenty of videos online.

VP, marketing considers making his products cruelty-free

VP MARKETING:  We're losing sales to products that claim they're cruelty-free so I was thinking, what if we put cruelty-free labels on our products...

VP LEGAL:  Cruelty-free means we don't test on animals.  But we do.

VP MARKETING:  We force feed them toxins.  That's not testing on animals.  It's testing in animals.  You see what I'm saying?

VP LEGAL:  I'm not sure that distinction would stand up in court.  Besides, we do test some of our products on animals.  We douse rabbits with our shampoos until their skin melts off.

VP MARKETING:  Good point.  I forgot.  Wait.  I got it.  Our products are cruelty-free.  Not as in free from cruelty.  But as in we don't charge for that cruelty.  Our cruelty is free.  You see where I'm going with this?  We tell people, those other guys, when they do unspeakably cruel things to animals, they pass the cost along to you, the customer.  But not us.  All the unspeakably cruel things we do to animals costs you absolutely nothing!  Because we value our loyal customers.

VP LEGAL:  I'm not sure we want to advertise the fact that we do unspeakably cruel things to animals.

VP MARKETING:  Here me out.  Maybe we do.  Maybe the forthright, direct approach is the way to go here.  People love getting value.  We tell them, you know how much it costs us to set up a lab, hire enough sadistic technicians, design all those unnecessary experiments, pay for the animals to test on, pay for having their carcasses hauled out afterwards, pay for the PR agency to come up with all those lies whenever there's a protest against us.  It aint cheap.  But though you, our valued customers, reap the benefits of all this unspeakably cruel animal testing, you don't pay a dime for it.  No, our cruelty is absolutely FREE.  What do you think?

VP LEGAL:  It could work.  Mention it at the meeting this afternoon.  Throw it against the wall and see what sticks.

VP MARKETING:  Wait, isn't that one of our animal tests?  Heh heh heh!

VP LEGAL:  Heh heh heh!

The human animal

People abuse other animals, but we're even-handed in our abuse.

We do not discriminate on the basis of species, size or habitat.

Mammal or bird,

Whether they live on land, in water or sky,

It makes no difference.

We brutalize them all equally.

We inflict pain and misery with a blind eye to their differences,

And the same blithe unconcern for their sufferings.

We stun bolt farm animals, use meathooks on circus elephants, clubs on seals and harpoons on whales.  Our cosmetic tests blind rabbits and rub raw the skin of mice.  We've got bullets for deer, hooks for fish, leg traps for wolves,

And on and on.

Sure, we've granted a special status to dogs and cats who share our homes.  But the ones unfortunate enough to live without a name and collar get a quick burst of poison to send them to the hereafter.

It's safe to say there's not a species known to zoology that hasn't experienced some form of human savagery.

And still, regardless of country or faith, we still persist in thinking heaven awaits our coming.

Free range chicken: the progressives' version of driving a BMW

"Normally when we fill our advertising with outrageous lies, we have to dress them up to make them believable.  But the beauty of this whole free range, humane treatment thing is our target audience wants to be lied to.  The wilder and more preposterous the lie the better.  We say our chickens have more space to romp around in, they live under sunny blue skies, every day is heaven on earth and, cha ching, our target audience will pay whatever we charge.  My term for our target audience is the "aspirational ethicals."  They consider themselves progressive, concerned about problems beyond their own personal self-interest.  This perceived altruism is a source of moral superiority for the aspirational ethicals and source of profit for us.  So what does our target audience look like?  You'll often see them dressed in earth preservation-themed tee shirts, carrying canvass shopping bags, world music smiles on their faces.  If there's a petition outside the store, they're all over it.  Clean air, clean water, homelessness, literacy -- where do they sign?  So when they hear about how animals are mistreated on factory farms, it disturbs them, not so much because the animal is suffering, though that's part of it, but because they're helping perpetuate that suffering and sensitive ethical people like themselves shouldn't do that.  That's why they're so susceptible to our bogus humane treatment pitch.  Most consumers are cynical.  They've got their defenses up, they're on the lookout for our lies.  But, as I said before, our aspirational ethicals want us to lie to them.  Please, tell me the chicken led a happy life.  I'll pay anything so long as you let me feel like I'm an ethical shopper.   Then when they're in our store, purchasing the free range chickens, not only do they get to feel like an ethical person who cares about the well-being of the animals they eat, other people get to see them acting ethical.  It's the progressive version of driving a BMW.  You'll see them standing outside the refrigerated section, picking up the chicken, saying something like, "I'm so glad this chicken had a happy life," in a voice loud enough for all the surrounding shoppers to hear them and be impressed by their social conscience.  People, the sky's the limit with the aspirational ethicals.  The profit margin on our free range products is through the roof.  To sum up, cha ching!"

The World Pork Expo -- booth #21, the captive bolt stunning gun firing range

Booth #21, the captive bolt stun gun firing range

All work and no play?  No siree!  That's our motto at the World Pork Expo.  And we want it to be your motto too!  After a long day studying feed ratios and penning equipment, it's time to unwind a little.  Come test your marksmanship at the captive bolt stun gun firing range.  We ain't talking paper targets here.  The live piggies will keep you on your toes.  The way they wriggle and squirm they're slippier than a watermelon seed.  Just make sure to wear old clothes, 'cuz those buggers spurt a regular blood geyser.  Then after you clean yourself off, it's time to head to the bar and finish off the night with a viewing of America's funniest slaughterhouse bloopers.    The World Pork Expo starts June 3rd.  So mark your calendars and we'll see you here.