GRASS FED: I pity you. Raised on some factory farm while I was out in grassy fields.
WHOPPER: You’re a piece of charred flesh now, just like me.
GRASS FED: It’s every grass fed steer’s dream to someday make it to the refrigerated section of Whole Foods with an Animal Welfare-Approved label on the package. And I did it! I was purchased by compassionate people who turned me into Pepper Steak with pomegranate sauce. You? You get wrapped in paper and stuck under a heat lamp ‘til you get scarfed down by a carload of hungry frat dudes who couldn’t care less about your pain and suffering.
WHOPPER: We were both killed way before our time. We’re both going to be eaten.
GRASS FED: I’ll be savored with a glass of chardonnay. You’ll be washed down with 32 oz. coke.
WHOPPER: What I’m saying is...
GRASS FED: Not interested in what some low life from the 99 cent super value menu has to say. I’m grass fed, Animal Welfare Approved. I was purchased by a progressive couple who cared deeply about my well being. You should have heard the two of them discussing how good they felt that I got to graze on the grass...
WHOPPER: ..before the farmer dragged you into the slaughterhouse and shattered your skull with a captive bolt.
GRASS FED: Must you be so crass?
WHOPPER: The first bolt missed your brain. You were writhing on the ground before he got the second bolt to work.
GRASS FED: Thankfully, the compassionate couple who purchased me aren’t around to hear this. It would spoil the meal they worked so hard to prepare.
WHOPPER: If your progressive Whole Foods shoppers are so concerned about your suffering, why don’t they stop eating meat?
GRASS FED: You think you're so smart with your brain teasers and unanswerable riddles. Go to your frat boys, your Walmart deal hunters. I'm going to be eaten by refined people who want us steer to get slaughtered ethically and compassionately and you don't even have the gratitude to appreciate it.