The numbers are astonishing

The Whole Foods Farm Animal Welfare site begins…

"The numbers are astonishing..."

 … consider this: in the time it takes to watch a 60-minute television show, 5.8 million chickens are slaughtered for meat. That’s more than 97,000 per minute ... Each one can suffer.

So Whole Foods created their 5-step Animal Welfare Rating System, which enables them to charge a premium for “humanely raised” meat.

And the numbers are astonishing.

Whole Foods Markets quarterly profit rose a larger than expected 35 percent and it raised its full-year profit forecast, fueled by robust sales and snatching market share from other supermarkets.

Whole Foods executives have a deep understanding of the mindset of their self-styled progressive shoppers:

We don’t want animals to suffer, and more importantly, we don’t want to suffer pangs of guilt while we're eating our dinner. We’ll gladly pay extra if you convince us the flesh we’re eating came from a carefree animal who lived a blissful life right up to the moment he was slaughtered with tenderness and compassion.

Yes, Whole Foods will be more than happy to convince their shoppers of this.

By choosing to support higher welfare farmers and ranchers, we can collectively make a significant difference in the lives of billions of animals.

 But for shareholders who need reassurance this isn’t some wooly-headed animal rights thing...

 Higher animal welfare standards are increasingly seen to be a pre-requisite to enhancing business efficiency and profitability...

The Whole Foods grass fed beef disses on the Burger King Whopper.

GRASS FED:  I pity you.  Raised on some factory farm while I was out in grassy fields.

WHOPPER: You’re a piece of charred flesh now, just like me.

GRASS FED:  It’s every grass fed steer’s dream to someday make it to the refrigerated section of Whole Foods with an Animal Welfare-Approved label on the package.  And I did it! I was purchased by compassionate people who turned me into Pepper Steak with pomegranate sauce.  You? You get wrapped in paper and stuck under a heat lamp ‘til you get scarfed down by a carload of hungry frat dudes who couldn’t care less about your pain and suffering.

WHOPPER: We were both killed way before our time.  We’re both going to be eaten.

GRASS FED:  I’ll be savored with a glass of chardonnay.  You’ll be washed down with 32 oz. coke.

WHOPPER:  What I’m saying is...

GRASS FED:  Not interested in what some low life from the 99 cent super value menu has to say.  I’m grass fed, Animal Welfare Approved. I was purchased by a progressive couple who cared deeply about my well being. You should have heard the two of them discussing how good they felt that I got to graze on the grass...

WHOPPER: ..before the farmer dragged you into the slaughterhouse and shattered your skull with a captive bolt.

GRASS FED:  Must you be so crass?

WHOPPER:  The first bolt missed your brain.  You were writhing on the ground before he got the second bolt to work.

GRASS FED:  Thankfully, the compassionate couple who purchased me aren’t around to hear this.  It would spoil the meal they worked so hard to prepare.

WHOPPER: If your progressive Whole Foods shoppers are so concerned about your suffering, why don’t they stop eating meat?

GRASS FED:  You think you're so smart with your brain teasers and unanswerable riddles.  Go to your frat boys, your Walmart deal hunters.  I'm going to be eaten by refined people who want us steer to get slaughtered ethically and compassionately and you don't even have the gratitude to appreciate it.

Whole Foods must use a really small type size.

The title of the post in the Whole Foods blog says, “Let’s respect farm animals.” But then they switch to a smaller type size for the asterisk that says, “until we kill them and eat them.” So small I can't even see it. But that asterisk has to be there somewhere, doesn't it? Unless Whole Foods is trying to make the point that slaughtering and eating someone is a new way of showing them respect.

Now the type gets nice and big again.

Our meat and poultry standards at Whole Foods ... take into account the comfort, physical safety and health of the animals.

Then the asterisk at the end of the above sentence says, "This may appear at first to be counter-intuitive since shattering skulls with stun bolts, shackle hoisting upside-down, slicing necks, etc. would seem to some to adversely affect the comfort, physical safety and health of animals. But what you’re missing here is our shoppers want to feel good about themselves and their planet citizenship. Nothing ruins a good steak dinner faster than a conscience nagging you about how the animal suffered in order to become the flesh you're so happily chewing. Our shoppers want to delude themselves into thinking the animals they eat lived happy joyful lives right up until the moment they became meat. At first we tried telling them a happy meat fairy waved her wand and turned the animals into meat, but even our shoppers weren’t falling for that one. So we came up with this elaborate fantasy about happy, well cared for animals, grazing in the fields, living in the sunshine, and guess what, our shoppers bought it. If we can help our shoppers accept this wild story by repeating things like 'let's respect farm animals,' and 'we care about the comfort, safety and health of animals,' it means more money for us. Get it? Good. Now get out of our face."

I can't quite make out that asterisk, the type's so small, but it's got to be there somewhere.

With Whole Foods new 5-step Animal Welfare rating system, there’s a meat for every level of compassion.

So Whole Foods has a new 5-step rating system. A color-coded label tells you exactly how humanely the animal was treated before it became your meat.

Step one, no crates. Step two, enriched environment. Step three enhanced outdoor access. Step four, pasture centered. Step five, animal centered, no physical alterations. Step five plus, animal centered, entire life on farm.

If you’re confused about which level is right for you, simply ask one of their helpful meat department team members.

-- Excuse me, I’m serving pork chops tonight. I didn't know what step you recommended.

-- What level of compassion do you have for the farm animals you consume?

-- I saw a video on the miserable lives of pigs in factory farms. It made me cry. I swore off pork two whole weeks.

-- Do you give a snort of disgust when you see a Costco shopper remove a box of Tyson chicken wings from the frozen section?

-- Yes! It makes me sick. Don’t these savages realize Tyson clips the beaks off their chickens with a hot blade? Tell you what else I believe. Animals deserve to live in the sunshine, romping in the fields, at least while people are in between meals. So what do you think? Do I have level five compassion for farm animals? Do I? Do I?

--Have you ever attended a Michael Pollan book signing?

--I was meaning to but…

--No Michael Pollan book signing, no level five. I’d say level three is appropriate for you.

--Hi, I’m having a dinner party, looking for a side of beef, wondering what step is right for me.

-- Did you support Prop 2 for bigger cages for farm animals, Sir?

-- Sure did. Even talked a guy I worked with into voting for it.

-- Did you put a "Stop Cruelty Now. Support Prop 2" bumper sticker on your car?

-- Uhm, well, I didn’t want to seem like an extremist or anything.

-- Better stick with level one.

-- Can I work my way up?

-- Absolutely, Sir. Go to the Santa Monica open market and sign a petition demanding more humane treatment of animals. Start a Michael Pollan discussion group.

-- Awesome. I’ll have a level five conscience in time for grilling season!

The "Animal Compassionate Standards" of Whole Foods

Every company that sells animal products now has a section on their website about their commitment to the humane treatment of the soon-to-be slaughtered animals.  At companies like Hormel, at least, these statements are tempered by the subtext of teeth gritted as they feign concern for the well-being of the animals, laughter suppressed as they wonder how anyone could possibly fall for their trumped up indignation over the undercover videos of hog abuse at their suppliers' farms.  All their talk about humane treatment is a PR necessity forced upon them, and it's pretty evident they want to lash out and strike the people responsible for making them do it.

But then you've got companies like Wild Oats and Whole Foods, who actually seem to believe what they're saying.  When they talk about humane treatment, you can practically see the conviction glittering in their eyes.

We have also been working on species specific Animal Compassionate Standards which require environments and conditions that support the animals' physical, emotional and behavioral needs to an even higher level.

"to an even higher level," implication being the level was already pretty darn high to begin with.  I'm still not quite grasping the concept of how slaughter meets the animals' physical, emotional and behavioral needs, though I do see how it meets the pecuniary needs of Whole Foods executives and shareholders.  Now we get to the kicker.

Although no producers have met these standards yet, many are exploring the opportunity.

Say what?  I believe "exploring the opportunity" is PR speak for although no producers have met these standards yet, many have told us, fuck no, are you fucking nuts?  Hog farmers exploring the opportunity to treat the hogs with compassion?  What's next, PR executives exploring the opportunity of telling the truth?

So how about the piglets?  What does the Whole Foods Animal Compassionate Standards have to offer them?

Although at this time there are few alternatives to blunt trauma for piglets, there is research being conducted to develop more humane euthanasia possibilities.  Whole Foods will stay abreast of these developments and when there are viable alternatives, investigate them to determine whether they should be added to our Animal Compassionate Standards.

Few alternatives to blunt trauma (stun bolt to cranium) for piglets?  Here's one alternative:  no blunt trauma.  No captive bolt stun guns, no shackling and hoisting, no blades.  Sending them to a farm sanctuary.  Now that would be animal compassionate. Well, that's just being ornery.  I know what they meant.  Few alternatives within the more narrow confines of slaughter methodology.   When an alternative method of acceptable slaughter is finally discovered, you'd think maybe that proverbial light would go on over their heads.  Did we maybe choose an inappropriate name for our standards?  Compassion and slaughter seem kind of, I don't know, like total opposites.  Should we go back to PR and have them do another brainstorming session?  Tell them to come up with something more believable, like our animal savagery standards or our horrific butcheries standards?

You guys at Whole Foods have no animal compassionate standards.  You subject animals to a life of misery and then you kill them.  If your strict adherence to your corporate brand image as good global citizen forces you to feign concern for the animals you slaughter, at least have the integrity to follow the lead of the people at Hormel and Tyson and tell us your PR lies through gritted teeth, with fists clenched and nostrils flaring.

A mentoring conversation in the marketing department of Whole Foods

-- So people are really falling for this whole humane treatment thing?

-- Four words.  Sales through the roof.

-- How come my personal lies never work this well?  Tell my wife I'm working late, busted.  Tell friends I can't come to their party because I'm out of town, busted.

-- Because your personal lies never benefit anyone but you.  Our humane treatment lie benefits us and our customers.

-- Explain.

-- People like thinking of themselves as morally superior to the people around them.  At Whole Foods, we tend to attract politically progressive customers who think what makes them morally superior is their concern for the planet and the less fortunate, which of course includes animals.  They despise people like the tailgating gluttons at football games, howling and waving their slabs of meat at the camera, because these tailgating gluttons couldn't care less about the suffering of the animals they eat.

-- But aren't the animals the progressives eat brutalized and slaughtered just like the animals eaten by the tailgating gluttons?

-- Exactly.  So the progressives try convincing themselves that unlike those tailgating gluttons, they feel guilty about causing animals to suffer and die.  But for some progressives this sense of guilt alone isn't enough.  They still can't in good conscience feel morally superior to the tailgating gluttons.

-- And that's where humane treatment comes in?

-- Precisely.  Our progressive shoppers can tell themselves they're willing to buy humanely treated free range chicken from Whole Foods for double the price.  Only someone with a highly developed sense of justice and sympathy for the plight of the weak would spend so much more than they had to to make sure the chicken had a happy, carefree pre-slaughter life.  Now these progressives can legitimately despise the tailgating glutton who buys his discount pack of Tyson drumsticks from Von's.  The beautiful thing about this particular type of moral superiority is that it has a dual benefit:  not only does it enable the progressive to look down his nose and make sly and sardonic comments about the tailgating gluttons.  It also eliminates any post-dinner guilt the progressive might have felt when he contemplated the suffering of the animal he just consumed.

-- So when we run our deceptive advertisements...

-- Deceptive?

-- Our blatant lies?

-- That's better.

-- When we run our blatantly lying advertisements about humanely treated chicken, we're not really selling chicken.  We're selling a sense of moral superiority.  We're helping our valued progressive customers to delude themselves into feeling a sense of self-righteousness that overpowers the guilt they might otherwise have felt over the suffering they caused?

-- You'll go far.

Whole Foods meats processed with "a measure of compassion"

I looked at the Whole Foods website where they talk about the meats they offer:

We offer organic meats, raised humanely and processed with a measure of compassion, custom cut to your specification when you want it ... it's all about quality and freshness and caring -- farmers and ranchers caring about the welfare of the animal, processors caring about the quality of the product, and our butchers caring about you.

"A measure of compassion."  They realize the act of brutally killing a young animal doesn't fit the standard dictionary definition of compassion, so they hedge and claim, not actual compassion, but partial compassion, a measure of compassion, in their words.  Next up, they talk about the "farmers and ranchers caring about the welfare of the animal."  What are we supposed to make of this?  Maybe Whole Foods is saying, "Hey, we just got through acknowledging there's only a measure of compassion in the way we treat animals, what more do you want from us?"  Maybe they think that little bit of forthrightness earned them the right to go back to the preposterous untruths they offered up in the previous sentence when they claimed animals were "raised humanely."  Another possibility is they meant the farmers and ranchers care about the welfare of the animal in the sense that they know if they take steps to make it appear that they treat the animal well, pre-slaughter, i.e. meet the standards of "free range," they can charge a premium.  Or maybe the farmers and ranchers care that animal welfare has become more of an issue and videos of their animal abuse end up on Youtube.  Final possibility: maybe it was just a typo.  Whole Foods wrote "caring" when they meant to write "carrying," as in carrying the terrified animal to the place of slaughter.

Whole Foods.  Selling the highest quality natuaral and organic products.