Sunday, March 13, 2011

Michael Pollan and the Ghost of Steer 534 audition to be the new spokesmen for Sonic

While we’re on the topic of the pork board’s new tag line, there’s a fast food company in need of a new advertising campaign. Not Burger King. It has the king. McDonald’s, of course, has Ronald McDonald and Temple Grandin. But Sonic recently fired their long-time ad agency, so they’ll be needing a new spokesman. Hmm… Spokesmen teams can work well if they’ve got the right chemistry. You had the two Budweiser Lizzards. Bartles and Jaymes. How about Michael Pollan and the ghost of Steer 534? Naturally, Sonic executives won’t just hand them the role. They’re going to have to audition for it. So let’s get started…

MICHAEL: Hi, I’m best-selling author and conscience of a meat-eating nation, Michael Pollan.

GHOST OF STEER 534: And I’m the ghost of steer 534. Michael purchased me because he wanted to experience the entire meat production process. He raised me, fattened me...

MICHAEL: Then I ate you.

GHOST OF STEER 534: But before you did, you cared deeply about my suffering. You wrote very movingly about it.

MICHAEL: I felt deeply. I said…

The lives of billions of animals on American feedlots and factory farms are horrible to contemplate, an affront to our image of ourselves as humane.

GHOST OF 534: I think I remember you quoting that passage as you delivered me to the slaughterhouse door. It was so thoughtful of you to speak with such fire and outrage in what was a very emotional moment for me.

MICHAEL: I couldn't contain myself.

GHOST OF STEER 534: Michael cares deeply about the suffering of all farm animals, not just me

MICHAEL: That’s right, ghost of steer 534, and you know the most horrible fate that can befall a steer like yourself? Being part of bland, tasteless burger. That’s why Sonic uses only the freshest cuts of choice lean meat. Then they top it with ripe, juicy tomatoes and slather it with tangy barbeque sauce.

GHOST OF STEER 534: Don’t forget the melted cheddar cheese and crisp lettuce.

MICHAEL: I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

GHOST O STEER 534: I wish I could help you out, Micheal, but you already ate me.

MICHAEL: Don’t make my mouth water when I have to say the tag line.

BOTH: Sonic. Because people who care deeply about the suffering of animals don't let them wind up being boring burgers!