Dairy cow checks out the menu of Ben & Jerry’s flavors.

Let’s see…

Stun Bolt Berry Blast

Slaughtermint Swirl

Rape Rack Raspberry

...hey, someone replaced the real Ben & Jerry’s flavors with this subversive crap.  Where’s the message about happy cows on a first name basis with their local farmers?  Someone scratched it out and wrote how us happy Ben & Jerry’s dairy cows have our calves yanked away and shipped off to veal farms.  We’re artificially impregnated, our calves are taken again.  Four years and our milk production slows.  We’re no longer economically viable so it's time for the slaughterhouse.  Lies!  Slander! I’m happy.  Look at the way they drew me with all these happy bright colors.  They had to.  They couldn’t show the photo of the real me because then people would know the truth … Huh?  Now I’m sounding subversive, too.  What's going on? Ben & Jerry made me part of the team.  They gave me the opportunity to help people enjoy delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. They provided my calves with veal crates. And I turn on them like this? What’s wrong with me? … Hold on, my farmer who’s on a first name basis is calling me.  What?  I’m not efficient enough anymore?   Time for what? At least I’ll get to live on on the Ben & Jerry’s website, helping tell people about their Caring Dairy program.

The Progressive Meat Pounder

Meat producers are thrilled to have discovered a lucrative new target group: people who want to ease the suffering of animals without giving up the delicious taste of their flesh. They fear the torture and slaughter of the animals they consume might be incompatible with their progressive self-image, so they’re willing to pay premium prices for the illusion that these animals lived happy, pain-free lives. Meat producers and their retailers have come up with innovative ways of appealing to these prized customers.  The Whole Foods five step Animal Welfare Rating Standards, Animal-Welfare Approved, Certified Humane Raised & Handled, etc. etc.

The meat producers are so intent on appealing to this progressive target group, they’ve apparently even branded their meat-related accessories as “progressive,” e.g. the progressive meat pounder (pictured).

Other progressive kitchen products include…

The progressive matching knife set and rationalization set. “Free range animals live happy lives.”  “It’s a step in the right direction.”  “The slaughter is quick and painless.”  Store these and all your other rationalizations in one spot for quick and easy access.

“World’s Greatest Self-deluding Chef” apron. Ideal for barbequing up those animal welfare approved ribs.

The progressive mixed messaging bowl.  You want to end animal suffering now.  But you’re craving a juicy steak.  Say what?  The mixed messaging bowl is the ideal way to mix these messages to confuse yourself and others so you can crave justice and that juicy steak without relinquishing your progressive credentials.

Check out the entire catalogue of progressive products.  

The Whole Foods grass fed beef disses on the Burger King Whopper.

GRASS FED:  I pity you.  Raised on some factory farm while I was out in grassy fields.

WHOPPER: You’re a piece of charred flesh now, just like me.

GRASS FED:  It’s every grass fed steer’s dream to someday make it to the refrigerated section of Whole Foods with an Animal Welfare-Approved label on the package.  And I did it! I was purchased by compassionate people who turned me into Pepper Steak with pomegranate sauce.  You? You get wrapped in paper and stuck under a heat lamp ‘til you get scarfed down by a carload of hungry frat dudes who couldn’t care less about your pain and suffering.

WHOPPER: We were both killed way before our time.  We’re both going to be eaten.

GRASS FED:  I’ll be savored with a glass of chardonnay.  You’ll be washed down with 32 oz. coke.

WHOPPER:  What I’m saying is...

GRASS FED:  Not interested in what some low life from the 99 cent super value menu has to say.  I’m grass fed, Animal Welfare Approved. I was purchased by a progressive couple who cared deeply about my well being. You should have heard the two of them discussing how good they felt that I got to graze on the grass...

WHOPPER: ..before the farmer dragged you into the slaughterhouse and shattered your skull with a captive bolt.

GRASS FED:  Must you be so crass?

WHOPPER:  The first bolt missed your brain.  You were writhing on the ground before he got the second bolt to work.

GRASS FED:  Thankfully, the compassionate couple who purchased me aren’t around to hear this.  It would spoil the meal they worked so hard to prepare.

WHOPPER: If your progressive Whole Foods shoppers are so concerned about your suffering, why don’t they stop eating meat?

GRASS FED:  You think you're so smart with your brain teasers and unanswerable riddles.  Go to your frat boys, your Walmart deal hunters.  I'm going to be eaten by refined people who want us steer to get slaughtered ethically and compassionately and you don't even have the gratitude to appreciate it.

A brief message from Temple Grandin's House of Slaughterhouses

Folks, lately some of our competitors have been claiming their seal of humane slaughter will make people feel better about eating animals.  Phooey! Why settle for an Animal Welfare Approved sticker on the package when you can cut out the middleman and get yourself a humane slaughterhouse from temple Grandin’s house of slaughterhouses! Folks, We’re proud to say we’re the only slaughterhouse designer to win PETA’s coveted Proggy Award for making the slaughtering process more profitable and efficient for meat processors, I mean painless and stress-free for animals. We use only the finest captive stun bolts that pierce the animals’ brains so smooth and easy they’ll think they’re getting shiatsu massage. Your animals will swear by it and so will your customers.

"I saw a video about factory farms and it made me sick to think people can treat animals like that. I vowed never to eat steak again. Then a friend told me about meat processed at Temple Grandin’s house of slaughterhouses. Goodbye guilt, hello rib eyed steak!"

-- Kim L., Gardenia, Calfornia

That’s right, folks, so come on in and check out our complete selection of slaughterhouse designs and slaughtering accessories at Temple Grandin’s House of Slaughterhouses, where humane slaughter is our middle name!

HSUS overcomes HSUS opposition to enriched cages for laying hens

The HSUS and United Egg Producers had a big press conference to announce an "historic agreement." The HSUS agreed to "give up on a push to ban cages entirely in exchange for the opportunity to work for a a single, nationwide standard mandating better conditions."

If passed, the new agreement will...

Require that all egg-laying hens be provided, through the new enriched housing system, with environments ... such as perches, nesting boxes and scratching areas.

Some cynics may claim the HSUS made the agreement because their check-writing, egg-eating donors wanted them to lay off the United Egg Producers. But maybe they genuinely believe "enriched cages" really do improve the hens' pre-slaughter lives. They're opposed to “furnished cages” because...

Furnished cages are typically equipped with a nest box, perch and dustbathing areas … furnished cages provide an unacceptably limited amount of space per bird … furnished cages remain unable to adequately provide and acceptable level of welfare for hens…

These new enriched cages must address all the concerns the HSUS had about furnished cages. Let’s compare…

Enriched cages have perches, nesting boxes and scratching areas. Furnished cages have perches, nesting boxes and dustbathing areas.

That’s it then. The HSUS was playing hardball with the United Egg Producers. Replace the term “dustbathing area” with “scratching area” and the term “Furnished cages” with “enriched cages” and you’ve got yourself a deal.

Diary of a young Hormel PR executive

It’s my first week on the job and I’m a nervous wreck. I wonder if I’m up for it. I mean I’m prepared. I’ve studied the classics. I have a quotation from our VP Julie framed above my desk. It’s from when the video surfaced of pigs being beaten with metal poles and slammed to the cement floor in one of our supplier farms in Iowa. I can recite Julie’s response by heart.

We found the images of the footage from the Iowa farm appalling and they are inconsistent with our standards and industry standards for animal handling. The abuse on the video shows practices that are completely unacceptable.

How did she come up with that? If the press called asking me for a statement, I would have frozen up. I would have said, “well, yeah, we kill them because you eat them. What’s the issue here? How does the way we kill them make any difference?”

But she realized people out there want to think pigs they eat are well-treated so they feel better about eating them. So in a moment of inspiration, she came up with a classic statement of outrage. She almost makes me believe we care about the well-being of the pigs. I can never aspire to that kind of greatness.

Then there’s the Hormel statement on corporate responsibility. Another instant classic.

This is simply about treating animals humanely because it’s the right thing to do … we take our zero tolerance policy for the inhumane treatment of animals very seriously. Pork producers are the best ambassadors for animal welfare in the United States. They set the standard and do everything they can to make sure the animals have the best welfare.

I read things like this and I feel like I’ll never amount to anything. I would have thought slaughter and humane treatment are a contradiction, that people would laugh at me if I made a statement like that. We kill thousands an hour and we believe in treating animals humanely? We’re the best ambassadors for animal cruelty but we call ourselves the best ambassadors for animal welfare? Wow. I never would have come up with that in a million years. I’ve got so much to learn. Well, nose to grindstone. Keep studying, keep learning. I’ll get there.

A simple explanation for the existence of “humane certified” meat

Humane certified meat exists because the people in photo one don’t want to be mistaken for the people in photo two. The people in photo one contribute to public radio, sign petitions for cleaner waterways. They put their Whole Foods meats in reusable shopping bags. The guy in photo two still has his ticket stub from the Slayer concert in his pocket. He chugs beers at tailgate parties. He buys his chicken wings by the 4o lb. box.

The people in photo one read and discuss Michael Pollan books.The guy in photo two thinks Michael Pollan is that actor in "The usual suspects."

The people in photo one are concerned about the suffering of the animals they eat. Not concerned enough to stop eating them. But really really concerned.

The guy in photo two has a tee shirt that says, “I love animals. With ketchup on top.” The people in photo one consider this joke to be in very bad taste. It makes them uncomfortable to think they have the same disregard for the suffering of a fellow creature as the guy in photo two.

How can they demonstrate the difference? They can consume meat approved by the Humane Farming Association and American Welfare Institute. Meat carved from the carcasses of animals treated with kindness and compassion before the stun bolts shatter their skulls. That way the people in photo one can convince themselves that, unlike the savage in photo two, they care deeply about the suffering of the animals they eat.