What to get the person who’s killed everything?

DING DONG

Who’s there?

It’s Tom from the slaughterhouse.

Come on in, Tom, and don’t forget to wipe your boots on our new Meritech Welcome Mat.

The Meritech Hog Killer's Welcome Mat

Here’s a gift idea for that special pig slaughterer in your life.  The folks at Hormel and Smithfield slaughter thousands per hour without the slightest twinge of remorse, but that doesn’t mean they want entrail stains on their brand new carpet.

Conventional welcome mats clean grass blades and clumps of dirt. They don’t stand a chance against boots caked with pig innards.  But the Meritech Welcome Mat is manufactured using 12 guage 304 stainless steel, so it cleans the soles, sides and tops of your guests' boots.

Those stubborn, wriggling pigs don't want to die right away and that can really dirty up a nice pair of boots. Fortunately, the Meritech welcome mat utilizes a series of horizontal brushes to effectively clean and sanitize so chunks of ground-in flesh on your wooden floor is a thing of the past.

If you’ve got pig slaughterers on your holiday guest list, make sure to replace your old welcome mat with the new Meritech Welcome Mat. Janice K of Bayard, Iowa did.

“It’s been one party after another.  Friends from Smithfield, Hormel, Jimmy Dean. Our living room was starting to resemble a slaughterhouse. That’s when we decided to get rid of our old straw welcome mat and replace it with one from Meritech. Now our guests don’t leave trails of offal to the kitchen and I couldn’t be happier.”

                                                               -- Janice K, Bayard, Iowa

Diary of a young Hormel PR executive

It’s my first week on the job and I’m a nervous wreck. I wonder if I’m up for it. I mean I’m prepared. I’ve studied the classics. I have a quotation from our VP Julie framed above my desk. It’s from when the video surfaced of pigs being beaten with metal poles and slammed to the cement floor in one of our supplier farms in Iowa. I can recite Julie’s response by heart.

We found the images of the footage from the Iowa farm appalling and they are inconsistent with our standards and industry standards for animal handling. The abuse on the video shows practices that are completely unacceptable.

How did she come up with that? If the press called asking me for a statement, I would have frozen up. I would have said, “well, yeah, we kill them because you eat them. What’s the issue here? How does the way we kill them make any difference?”

But she realized people out there want to think pigs they eat are well-treated so they feel better about eating them. So in a moment of inspiration, she came up with a classic statement of outrage. She almost makes me believe we care about the well-being of the pigs. I can never aspire to that kind of greatness.

Then there’s the Hormel statement on corporate responsibility. Another instant classic.

This is simply about treating animals humanely because it’s the right thing to do … we take our zero tolerance policy for the inhumane treatment of animals very seriously. Pork producers are the best ambassadors for animal welfare in the United States. They set the standard and do everything they can to make sure the animals have the best welfare.

I read things like this and I feel like I’ll never amount to anything. I would have thought slaughter and humane treatment are a contradiction, that people would laugh at me if I made a statement like that. We kill thousands an hour and we believe in treating animals humanely? We’re the best ambassadors for animal cruelty but we call ourselves the best ambassadors for animal welfare? Wow. I never would have come up with that in a million years. I’ve got so much to learn. Well, nose to grindstone. Keep studying, keep learning. I’ll get there.

HSUS and Hormel: separated at birth?

Was reading Wayne Pacelle’s blog and saw a post on the horrific conditions at a Smithfield Foods supplier farm. He talked about the gestation crates…

Asking that animals merely be able to turn around hardly seems like asking too much, especially for a company that had $144 million in profits in the second quarter. But it’s the right thing to do.

It’s the right thing to do. Those words had a familiar ring. I went back to the Hormel site on humane treatment and there it was.

This is simply about treating animals humanely because it’s the right thing to do.

But that’s a common enough expression. One of the world’s biggest slaughterers couldn’t have any more overlap with the world’s biggest animal advocacy organization. Well, they do cite the same authorities…

Wayne Pacelle: “Dr. Temple Grandin, among the world’s foremost farm handling experts, properly observed that these crates need to be phased out.”

Hormel, on their website, takes great pride in being a Temple Grandin-approved slaughterer (though, in fairness, it’s hard to find any deep-pocketed animal slaughtering company that isn’t TemplGrandin-approved).

Temple Grandin says, “[Hormel] has been a leader in working with university researchers on studies that will improve animal welfare”

Okay, how do Hormel and HSUS react to undercover videos documenting abuse of pigs?

Hormel on the video taken in one of their supplier farms: “We find the images in the video appalling.”

Wayne Pacelle: "It is shocking to see these intelligent curious animals immobilized in the crates with bloodied heads and gaping wounds … endure rough handling with no veterinarian in sight."

No veterinarian in sight. The Hormel PR people are nodding in unison. We couldn’t agree more. We have a head veterinarian. His name is Daryl Olsen. According to the Hormel website, Daryl Olsen loves animals and takes pride in producing top quality hogs. Proper judicious use of antibiotics is going to ensure the consumer a better product in the end, he says.

But can we digress back to Wayne Pacelle talking about the shock of seeing “these intelligent curious animals immobilized.”

As intelligent and curious animals these pigs might wonder how you could film undercover videos and document the horrific abuses and hold press conferences about said horrific abuses but not once in all your many pages of literature offer up the suggestion that people could end the abuse of these animals by not eating them. Here’s your big opportunity, HSUS. Separate yourself from Hormel. If people stopped eating pigs, you’d never see another video like this again.

Silence…

Wayne? Wayne? There's a blank page on your blog, just waiting for you.

Hey, did you hear the latest on Michael Vick? I put a photo of him on my blog, addressing some school kids on the importance of treating pets with kindness.

Yeah, Michael Vick's having a great season, getting plenty of ink, and if the HSUS can position itself as his moral rehabilitator, it could mean plenty of $$$. But put it somewhere, anywhere, in your blog. Tell people they can stop consuming animal products. It isn’t hard to do. A vegan diet is surprisingly delicious. Far healthier than an animal-based diet. Yeah, we know, Reducing the consumption of meat is in one of your campaigns, part of the Three R’s. But instead of Reduce, why not Eliminate? It doesn’t begin with the letter R and "Two R’s and one E" doesn’t have the same sing-song catchiness as the Three R’s.

Okay, how about an asterik next to Reduce? Then way down at the bottom in mouse type, so none of your donors can see it unless they squint, say, “If you really want to do your part to make sure pigs aren’t treated this way, don’t reduce your consumption of animal products, stop. Just like that. Stop. Go vegan."

To paraphrase you, Wayne Pacelle, asking that you merely offer up the possibility that people stop consuming animals hardly seems like asking too much, especially for an animal advocacy organization that had $97 million in donations last year.

But you won’t do it because of that same R word. Reduced, as in reduced donations. Look, nobody’s asking you to invade your donors’ suburbs with leaflets. Just say the word. Once. Vegan. Or maybe the same way a child is forbidden to say the word “fuck” the Humane Society can never use the word "vegan." Their donors eat meat, they don’t want to offend and that’s that. And, of course, there are only so many hours in the day. Waste time on a post advocating veganism and you might not be able to weigh in on that day’s developments in the ongoing saga of of Michael Vick’s rehabilitation and his worthiness for dog ownership.

The softer side of Hormel

Last time we saw pictures of Hormel employees with piglets, they weren't cuddling and making cooing noises at them.  It was at a farm in Bayard, Iowa, and the employees were doing things so horrific criminal charges were filed.  But looking through the Hormel Corporate Responsbility Report, seeing photos like this one, it seems things have changed.   It's only a matter of time before there's a new line of Hormel greeting cards celebrating the special bond between Hormel employees and their piglets.  But hold on.  They almost had us but hold on.  The cuddling and the cooing is a nice attempt and we don't want to demean the hard work of a PR department that worked overtime coming up with the concept, but see under normal circumstances people who cuddle and caress and shower affection don't slaughter the supposed object of their affection.  That was the tip-off here.  That's the reason maybe we aren't wiping away moist tears from our eyes as we contemplate the special bond between slaughterer and soon-to-be-slaughtered, putting it up there beside mother/child in the hierarchy of cherished relationships.

We were almost fooled, but we came to our senses in the nick of time.  Now we take take a closer look at the photo and see the Hormel employee's vice grip around the piglet's jaw.  Her mouth frozen in a semi-open position between forced smile and open-mouthed disbelief that she's been roped into this PR stunt.  You can almost hear the raspy whisper hissing through teeth out of the right corner of her mouth:  "tilt your fucking head to the right or I'll snap it off.  Another photo?  Fucking PR department thinks I got nothing better to do?  I said tilt your fucking head to the right.  Maybe you and your pals want a little reencatment of what happened on that Iowa farm."

What happened on that Iowa farm made headlines.

Once Hormel made the shocking discovery that the public was outraged, they were quick to respond.  Everyone in their PR department called home to say they wouldn't make it back in time for dinner that night.  Julie Craven, VP Corporate Communications, responded to the footage in no uncertain terms.

We found the images of the footage from the Iowa farm appalling and they are inconsistent with our standards and industry standards for animal handling.  The abuse on the video shows practices that are completely unacceptable.

My understanding of PR-ese is limited, but I think I can translate:

We found the existence of this footage appalling.  How did they not know they were being filmed?  The images are inconsistent with our standards and industry standards for keeping what what goes on in our suppliers' farms out of the public eye.  In the future, we will be vigilant in demanding that all our suppliers adhere to our standards by doing a better job screening their workers to ensure none of them is carrying a concealed video camera.

The Hormel Corporate Responsibility Report is also mindful of that PR disaster.

This is simply about treating animals humanely because it's the right thing to do ... we take our zero tolerance policy for the inhumane treatment of animals very seriously.

Pork producers are the best ambassadors for animal welfare in the United States.  They set the standard and do everything they can to make sure their animals have the best welfare.

Again, the PR agency department deserves kudos for the attempt.  Distort the truth a little and people will call you on it.  But come up with a lie so audacious, so far removed from reality, and they'll think you couldn't possibly be so brazen as to fabricate something like that so there must be some truth to it.  The Corporate Responsibility Report really showcases the creativity and imagination of the PR department.  Good job, folks.  Keep your heads up and don't let the skepticism of a few people get you down.  It doesn't mean you're bad liars.  You're very skilled liars.  You should take pride in your lying ability.  The photo of the Hormel employee cuddling the piglet, the line about pork producers being at the vanguard of animal welfare, that's good stuff!  It belongs in your portfolio.  It deserves to get honored at the next PR awards show.

But sadly the hard work of the Hormel PR people is all for naught.  Everyone knows the true meaning of the zero tolerance policy is that Hormel will have zero tolerance for undercover videos made of inhumane treatment of animals.  Any supplier who violates the zero tolerance policy by somehow allowing the undercover filming of piglets getting their heads slammed to the floor or metal rods shoved inside them will be immediately replaced by suppliers who know how to keep activists and their cameras the fuck away from their farms.

Hormel: 2008 food processor of the year

The old cliche about people looking like their dogs seems to have taken a morbid twist:  the two executives on either end resemble the many millions of hogs they've butchered.   

Senior VP at far left  -- Beefy hand at side barely uclenches in time for the photo.  It may have sounded like drink-propelled friendly banter floating over from the Tyson Chicken table, all that talk about how they could process a dozen chickens in the time it took the slowpokes from Hormel to process a single hog, but, ha, the words "the award goes to Hormel" wiped the smug grins off the faces of those punk ass chicken processors pretty fast.

Senior VP, second from left --   He gives powerpoints to full auditoriums every week so why tonight of all nights did he have to freeze like a mummified corpse?  He sneaks a sidelong glance at his flush faced compatriot at the far end grinning and leering like receiving an award like this is second nature to him.  He knows this guy will be full of drunken bluster at all the after-hours parties, claiming more than his share of the credit

Senior VP, center right.  Scholarly glasses, pasty fluorescent light complexion, aw shucks smile.  A portrait of modesty and deference but don't believe it for a second.  He's got both hands on the trophy and he doesn't plan on letting go.  He's the one who burned the midnight oil making sure those incidents at the suppliers' farms got buried in the press and weren't legally actionable.

Senior VP, far right.  Cheeks flushed hog blood red from all the pre-ceremony booze.  Mussed up hair from the group bear hug after the award was announced.  Doing his best to suppress the full-throated victory howl.  Spots the waiter at the table putting down a fresh gin and tonic.  Good man.  slip him a fiver on the way out.  Dreaming up sexually charged quips for the gals at the post award show parties.

How about the trophy itself?  Is it a replica of the blade that slits the necks?  No, it seems to be a Q for Quality.

Hormel's Austin plant alone slaughters 19,000 hogs per day.  Processes.  Not slaughters, processes.  Slaughter connotes judgment and we don't want to judge these jubilant executives on their big night.  It wasn't just the numbers that earned Hormel this award.  The year was filled with product innovations.  The new Natural Choice line of sandwich and deli meats was so successful it left Hormel executives grasping wildly for the appropriate sports metaphors.  CEO Jeffrey Ettinger called it his "rookie of the year."

Hormel deserves this award.  They really do.  Look at the faces of these four executives and you won't see the tiniest hint of self-doubt or remorse.  It's no small feat, this total absence of compassion for the suffering of fellow creatures, even after the video documentation of the unimaginable abuse these hogs endure in their brief, terrible lives.  Some people, when confronted with their complicity in this horror, would fall to their knees begging forgiveness, but Hormel blithely states on their website

pork producers are the best ambassadors for animal welfare in the United States.  They set the standard and do everything they can to make sure their animals have the best animal welfare.

This ability to completely repress compassion for the suffering of others is surely a rare achievement.  Each and every Hormel employee deserves to share in the award.  And they will.  The trophy held up in the photo by the proud executives is by now resting securely in Hormel headquarters, encased in glass in some place of honor, where the thousands of Hormel employees can walk by it and share in the thrill of achievement.

The rough and final drafts of the Hormel Foods position on humane handling

The final draft:

A video was released that showed images from a hog farm in Iowa.  It is important to note that the farm in the video is not a Hormel Foods' farm and the people are not Hormel Foods' employees.  We find the images in the video appalling and they are inconsistent with our standards and industry standards for humane handling.  The abuse on the video depicted practices that are completely unacceptable.  Animal welfare and animal husbandry have always been top priority at Hormel Foods.  This is simply about treating animals humanely because it's the right thing to do.

The rough draft:

A video was released by some do gooder freakshow punk that showed some images from a hog farm in Iowa of a hog getting dunked in boiling water while it was still living.  It is important to note that it was a freaking hog!  You hear us, a freaking hog!  So the workers got a little carried away and they dunked it in boiling water when it was still alive.  And now it's dead.  Are we missing something here?  What part of it's a freaking hog don't you understand?  Yeah, you're all so civilized.  You want to think we treat the hog to a five star spa experience before we slit its throat.  You know why we slit its throat?  For you!  Because you've got a taste for hog flesh!  No hypocrite with a taste for hog flesh is going to get all high handed with us and act like you're so deeply horrified about what happened in that video.  Oh, we almost forgot.  It's a freaking hog!  You people make us sick with all your holier than thou preaching.  Now we got to waste time acting like we give a shit so people who don't give a shit any more than we do can read it and think we're all so nice and civilized.  You want us to say how humanely we treat 'em, how we give 'em room to turn around and stretch their little legs?  Are you forgetting something?  We freaking kill them!  So you can eat their flesh.  Okay, fine we'll jot down a few bullshit words saying how appalled we are, how that video is inconsistent with our standards, how we demand our suppliers adhere to the strictest standards and stick it on our website and you hypocrites can go back to salivating over the hog flesh on your plates and saying grace like you live in some polite and genteel world where hogs live like little princes until they magically turn into pork.  You want us to leave you with a Hormel humane treatment policy?  Fine.  Not giving two shits about what happens to these hogs has always been top priority at Hormel Foods.  You know why?  Because they're freaking hogs!  Now will you leave us the fuck alone?

Open mic night at the drive-thru -- Darly Olson, swine veterenarian, Hormel foods

Is this thing on?  How you all doing tonight?  Got a nice, juicy bacon cheeseburger?  Good.  I'm the guy responsible for the bacon part of it.  So the other day, one of those animal rights activists asked me if I saw the undercover videos of what goes on in our factory farms, you know, the ones where the hogs keep getting shoved alive into boiling water.  Yeah, I told her, I saw those videos.  I see 'em every day after work.  The entire staff gets together with a bowl of popcorn.  Hormel's funniest hog videos.  Beats the heck out of a water skiing squirrel, that's for sure.  Ha ha ha!  Thank you!  So, anyway, the activist starts yapping about how cruel it is to confine a hog in a crate so small he can't even turn around.  What are you talking about, sister, I says to her, if the hog had space to turn around he'd see the other hogs getting their throats sliced open and that would traumatize the poor hog.  We're very sensitive people at Hormel.  We don't to upset the poor little hog before we slaughter it!  Thank you, you guys are great!  Anyway, then this activist starts talking some more about the hog getting dumped in boiling water while it's still alive.  I says, that again?  You sure like to beat a dead hog, i mean horse.  H But seriously.  All this fuss about a few hogs.  The activist tells me hogs feel pain and they're smart too.  She's right, hogs are smart.  It's the hog loving people who are stupid.  We tell these people we adhere to animal welfare guidelines.  But who sets those guidelines?  The Pork Council.  That's us, numbnuts.  We're the ones who dip them in boiling water and you trust us to set our own animal welfare guidelines?  You're right, compared to people, these hogs are a bunch of Einsteins.  Thank you!  Thank you very much.  I'll be appearing live -- which is more than I can say for the hogs, ha ha ha -- I'll be appearing live at Taco Bell next week.  Thank you, I love you!

Animal rights quotations: Hippocrates, Shaw, Hormel

"Animals are my friends and I don't eat my friends."

   --George Bernard Shaw, playwright

"The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different."

   --Hippocrates, philosopher

"Pork producers are the best ambassadors for animal welfare in the United States.  They set the standard and do everything they can to make sure their animals have the best animal welfare."

   ---Daryl Olson, Swine Veterenarian, Hormel Foods

(Hormel literature, not normally given to satire or irony, says Daryl "loves animals and takes pride in producing top quality, healthy hogs.")