what the critics of the critics of Temple Grandin are saying

Criticize Temple Grandin for saying "death is not the most terrible thing that can happen to an animal, the most important thing is quality of life" and one of the more common responses is...

"Be real.  These animals are going to die regardless.  Temple Grandin understands that reality and she's doing what she can to improve the lives of these animals before they die.  She's influencing companies like McDonald's for the better."

Temple Grandin's only influence over McDonald's is getting marketing executives and corporate communications executives to exchange high-fives in the main conference room.  McDonald's knows a PR coup when they see one.  They'll gladly put photos of Temple Grandin posing in the stockyards on their website, right next to her breathless statement about how it's the biggest improvement in animal welfare she's seen in her 25 years in the business.

Which isn't to say she doesn't have influence because she does.  She has the same kind of credible figure influence as the scientists bought by Exxon to dispute climate change.  Most people who eat at McDonald's couldn't care less about how animals are treated.  But some do.  Some feel conflicted when they hear about the horrors of factory farms.  But then they see this animal welfare expert reassuring them, hey, everything's cool, McDonald's is doing the right thing, I'm lovin' it and you should too.  She wipes away doubts and eases consciences.

And McDonald's, they're lovin' it too, they really are.  The executive who came up with the idea of getting Temple Grandin to whitewash, I mean consult, that's the kind of stuff reserved parking spaces and corner offices are made of.  No doubt he got a first column mention in Food and Beverage Digest.  Swooning marketing executives in every industry are begging him to connect to them on linkedin.

See, advertising characters have to be made up from scratch.  Someone had to come up with the idea of the Pillsbury Dough Boy giggling when he gets poked in the belly.  The unctuous, smooth-tongued cockney accent of the Geico gecko only came into being after long months of creative struggle.  But McDonald's didn't have to burn any billable hours brainstorming Temple Grandin.  She came with her persona fully formed:  animal welfare expert.  Professor of Animal Science.  Best-selling author.  It's only a matter of time before they come up with a Temple Grandin figurine to go in the Happy Meal.

So I guess the only thing left to say is, please drive through.

Temple Grandin is stealing Ronald McDonald's thunder

Classic advertising icon Ronald McDonald.  Animal welfare advocate, slaughterhouse designer and McDonald's consultant Temple Grandin.  If it weren't for the wig and face paint, we'd have a hard time telling them apart.  They both both boost McDonald's sales and increase shareholder value.  They both pimp McDonald's whenever a microphone's put in front of their face.

McDonald's should be given credit for bringing about improvements in animal welfare in the entire beef industry ... I have been in this business for more than 25 years, and I have never seen such a transformation.  -- Temple Grandin

In other words, McDonald's.  I'm lovin' it!

Ronald's been getting a little jealous of all the attention Temple Grandin's been getting lately.  He's like the aging star quarterback when a hotshot rookie is drafted.  All his years of loyalty and hard work and now on the responsible purchasing page of the McDonald's website there's a quotation from Temple Grandin praising McDonald's and even a picture of her inspecting cattle.  But there's no picture of Ronald.  Hell, they could have found a photo of him hamming it up with Mayor McCheese, scolding the Hamburglars, something.  The website refers to Temple Grandin as a "prominent animal behavior expert."  Ronald's more than a prominent spokesman.  He's been the face of the company for all these years.  Now he's being put out to pasture.  No, the cattle grazing pun was not a happy accident.  Ronald's mind is still razor sharp.  But they don't think so, those executives in their fancy suits, driving their fancy cars.  Sure, they're all smiles and pats on the back when they see Ronald at one of the commercial film shoots, but behind his back it's Temple Grandin this, Temple Grandin that.  Temple Grandin is getting people to think we care about the animals we slaughter.  Temple Grandin just praised us in her book on animal kindness.  Temple Grandin, Temple Grandin.  It's enough to make Ronald sick.  He thought getting shit-faced last night with Mayor McCheese would get his mind off things, but it didn't help at all.  This morning he woke up with a vicious hangover and Temple Grandin was still out there, going on interviews about her new book, talking about how McDonald's is doing so much for animals.  It won't be long before she works her humane slaughter garbage into one of Ronald's all-time favorite songs.  "Two humanely treated all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun."  Ronald can't take it anymore.  He doesn't know what he's going to do but he's going to do something.  In the meantime, there's still a few gulps left in that bottle of whiskey lying on the ground.

The troubles of the king

The king has bad dreams at night.  Animals screaming.  Blood.  The king doesn't like feeling bad.  He likes feeling good.  Does the king creep you out?  He creeps himself out too.  The king manipulates people into buying his things but the king is fine with that.  It's those dreams.  The king doesn't like those dreams.  The king doesn't want to know what happens at factory farms.  PETA sent the king a nasty letter.  The king doesn't like nasty letters.  He likes cool letters.  From cool people who eat his food.  The nasty letter accused Burger King of not agreeing to abide by McDonald's animal welfare guidelines.  Animal welfare guidelines?  McConald's?  The king knows irony when he sees it.  The king is ironic himself.  That's how the king gets people to buy his things.  By being ironic.  And cool.  But now the king has dreams.  Bad ones.  And he doesn't know what to do about it.