The rough and final drafts of the KFC statement on animal welfare

The final draft:

KFC is committed to the humane treatment of animals … As a major purchaser of food products, we have the opportunity, and responsibility, to influence the way animals supplied to us are treated. We take that responsibility very seriously. We are monitoring our suppliers on an ongoing basis to determine wither our suppliers are using humane procedures for caring for and handling animals.

The rough draft:

KFC is committed to making people think we care about the humane treatment of animals. We thought there was big money when we came up with dipping sauces. Shit, that’s nothing compared to the PR bonanza of making people think we give two shits about the lives of the little chickies before we off them. It’s a friggin’ gold mine. We’ll kill the buggers any way you want -- gas, knife, metal pole. Just so long as you give us your gold star or your Proggy or whatever you call your animal welfare compliance award. As a major purchaser of food products, we have the opportunity of killing a shitload of these chickens and if one of our suppliers needs to blow off a little steam by stomping on one of them or throwing one against the wall, well, shit, what would you expect? But give us some pub and we’ll pretend we care. It worked for Burger King and McDonald’s and it can work for us too. We take the responsibility of profiting off animal rights concerns very seriously. We’ll write animal welfare statements up the wazoo. We got a whole floor’s worth of PR flaks who can say things like “These actions are completely contrary to all our company’s practices and policies regarding the humane treatment of poultry.” Cha ching! You guys have no idea how much the public concern for animal welfare is gonna make us, cluck, cluck, cluck, here chickie, chickie, let poppa fast food exec kill you kindly so you can make him a rich man, heh heh!

Extreme makeover -- KFC edition

According to Franchise Pundit...

KFC is shifting its design strategy to go more upscale ... hard plastic seating, bright primary colors and old menu boards have been replaced with high, open ceilings, glazed tile floors, padded booth seating, upscale tables and chairs -- all in a Tuscan color scheme of gold, rust, blue and brick red.

KFC is also concerned about the comfort and well-being of the chickens on their way to slaughter, so they've added a new set of poultry welfare guidelines:

KFC recommends that there be no crate damage that would allow injury to birds ... transport crates should not be over-filled and enough space should be provided to allow all birds to lie down.

KFC wants to be sure the birds are not only injury-free, but also well-rested, a peaceful little utopia in a crate, before they get electrically stunned and slaughtered.  Are the crates KFC uses to transport the well-rested chickens also done up in a Tuscan color scheme of gold, rust, blue and brick red?  The KFC poultry welfare guidelines don't specify.  But back to the exciting new interiors of the KFC restaurants.  

With inflation, we're asking people to spend more money on food and we want to give them the environment they want.  We want it to be a nice experience for them.

As a committed advocate of the humane treatment of animals, KFC has also enhanced the experience of the chickens.  

Our suppliers' stunning equipment should be maintained to confirm that birds are insensible prior to slaughter, and the time between stunning and slaughter should be limited to minimize any likelihood that a bird may regain consciousness prior to slaughter.

Nicer, more upscale restaurants, state-of-the-art stunning equipment, a color revamped menu board above the service counter, properly maintained slaughter equipment to confirm the birds are slaughtered quickly.  Looks like the colonel is working overtime to improve the KFC experience for everyone!  Life really does taste better at KFC!