Monday, November 3, 2008

Prop 2.5 -- Standards for Confining Tyson Executives

Tomorrow California will vote on Prop 2 -- standards for confining farm animals.
Prop 2.5 -- Standards for confining Tyson chicken executives will not be on the ballot.

Prop 2.5 states that the corner and window offices of all Tyson Foods executives shall be replaced by cages with dimensions proportionate to the size of the battery cages Tyson suppliers use to confine their laying hens.  Just as it has been deemed more cost-effective to confine multiple hens in the same cage, significant savings can be obtained by packing multiple executives in the same office/cage.  Therefore, each office/cage shall house no fewer than seven executives.  Much like chickens trying to establish a pecking order, executives are hierarchical by nature.  Executive VP's will attempt to dominate Senior VP's who will attempt to dominate ordinary VP's and so forth.  To prevent these executives from harming themselves as they attempt to assert dominance in such tight quarters, their pens, keys and other sharp objects should be removed prior to the executive being placed in the office/cage.  After all, an injured or damaged executive is far less productive than a healthy one.  Finally, as the intent of Proposition 2.5 is to ensure that the executives are treated humanely, it is mandated that each office/cage has sufficient space for the executives within to rotate freely on their swivel chairs, stand up, and fully extend their limbs.  Exceptions will be made for transport to meetings and feeding in the office cafeteria.